


Vaudeville

by Phyre



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor is Bad at Feelings (Hazbin Hotel), Bickering, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Relationship, Dialogue-Only, Dorks in Love, Drinking, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Love Triangles, Meeting the Parents, Multi, Mutual Pining, Partners to Lovers, Pining, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Sharing a Bed, Stalking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22810255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phyre/pseuds/Phyre
Summary: The princess of Hell has a deadline hanging over her head to find a suitable marriage candidate. Lucky for her, Alastor is down for any kind of entertainment. Good fuckin luck.Or: a series of dialogue-only vignettes exploring the fake marriage AU no one asked for.
Relationships: Alastor & Charlie Magne, Alastor & Vaggie (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor/Charlie Magne, Alastor/Vaggie (Hazbin Hotel), Angel Dust/Baxter (Hazbin Hotel), Charlie Magne & Vaggie, Charlie Magne/Vaggie
Comments: 108
Kudos: 341





	1. An Ideal Husband

“No.”

“Charlie, if you would just —"

“ _No._ I’m saying no.”

“Sweet apple, be reasonable.”

“ _No_ , I’m not marrying one of your stupid demon friends! Why are you even calling me about this now?”

“You’re almost half a millennia old, honey. We’ve let you entertain yourself with your little hotel for two years now, but the nobles are getting… antsy. They’re not going to take you seriously unless they see you’ve settled down with someone whose power is worthy of your status.”

“Mom, seriously? You too?”

“Your mother and I are only doing this for your own good, Charlie. If you’re not endeavoring to at least _consider_ your options carefully, then I’ll just have to take up Asmodeus’ offer. He has two fairly suitable children who have both shown interest in you, so you can even choose between a wife and a husband if that sweetens the deal.”

“Dad, Asmodeus’ kids are both… Really gross. And I’m already _in_ a relationship!”

“Yes, Veggie, was it? She’s —”

“ _Vaggie,_ dad.”

“Whatever. She’s not exactly influential, is she? She’s not even an overlord. If she can’t prove herself a match for a real adversary, than how can she ever hope to keep _you_ safe? Your relationship with her would hardly convince the nobility of your seriousness, sweet apple.”

“…Actually, I wasn’t talking about her.”

“What? You’ve broken up with her? Since when?”

“Since, uh. A short while back. We weren’t seeing… Eye to eye anymore.”

“Well, that’s excellent news! That means there’s nothing to keep you from —”

“B-but! But! I’m in a relationship with someone else now! An overlord, even! I’m still taken, dad!”

“…An overlord?”

“That’s right. I am… Currently dating an overlord.”

“Really now? How come you haven’t told me about this earlier?”

“Well, you haven’t exactly been answering my calls recently, have you, mom?”

“I’m sorry, honey. Both me and your father have been quite busy lately, but we’re here now, and we’re both very interested to know more about this mysterious overlord you’ve been seeing!”

“It’s uh, actually. Um. The…”

“What was that, sweet apple? I think you got cut off there.”

“The…”

“Still couldn’t catch that, dear.”

“ _The radio demon_! Okay? I’m dating the radio demon…”

“…”

“…Mom? Dad? You still there?”

“You’re dating the radio demon?”

“Uh… Yes? Yes. I definitely am.”

“Alastor? _That_ radio demon? Alastor, the radio demon?”

“Yes, mom, I’m in a devoted relationship with Alastor the radio demon. I’m… Totally smitten with him, in fact!”

“That’s… That’s _brilliant_ , darling! I’m so proud of you!”

“Wh… You are?”

“Of course! Your mother is too, but she’s too busy squealing to congratulate you right now! Alastor is definitely the right person to put all the nosy nobles in their place! They’ll finally see you as someone to be feared! I’m _so_ _proud_ of you, Charlie!”

“That’s… Great, dad…”

“Now, how’s next week sound for a visit?”

“What? You want to visit me next week? You and mom? Why?”

“Why, to discuss the wedding arrangements, of course! I’m thinking red and white color palette, 3-foot blood fountain —”

“W-wedding?! Dad, you can’t be serious!”

“But why not? We would’ve liked to come round this week, but we have a general counsel to attend with Belphegor. The sooner you’re married, however, the sooner these royal jerkwads will get off my back. I don’t understand why you’re so averse to the idea. Didn’t you mention that you were — and I quote — quite smitten with Alastor?”

“Y-yes! I most definitely am! Smitten with him! I’m truly in love, I really am. But, uh, we’ve only been dating for a short while and I don’t wanna, y’know… Scare him off?”

“Oh, nonsense. But I’ll humor you for a bit. You’ve got a month at most to discuss this and get an answer out of him. If your time runs out and you still haven’t found a conclusion to this little romantic dilemma of yours, we’ve no choice but to pick a consort for you.”

“B-but, dad!”

“Don’t be so glum, sweet apple. You can still keep Alastor as a lover if he’s not ready for marriage… Although his hypothetical refusal is quite an amusing thought. Who would ever think to turn _you_ down?”

“…”

“Just talk to him, my dear. I’m sure it’ll work out.”

“Yeah, okay… I’ll talk to him.”

“Marvelous! Give me a call once you’ve sorted this out, alright? Love you, Charlie!”

“Love ya too, dad…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Oh my god what have I done.”

* * *

“Oh my god what have you done.”

“I know, I know, but —”

“Charlie, _oh my god_.”

“Vaggie, please listen to me! We can figure this out! If we manage to convince my parents my relationship with Alastor is legitimate, they’ll get off my back!”

“Are you even listening to yourself? There’s no relationship between you and Alastor to speak of!”

“I-I know that! B-but if we just pretend…”

“You’re already assuming Alastor is just gonna, what, go along with your plan? Just… For shits and giggles?”

“Well, I mean… He hasn’t refused it yet?”

“Because you haven’t talked to him yet!”

“Yes, but I will! And he’ll agree to it! This whole… Clusterfuck is as entertaining as it can get! …Right?”

“Charlie, I don’t like this idea at all…”

“Well, what do you suggest, Vaggie? Do you want me to marry some shitfaced demon lord? Like… Like Amdusias? Or Beleth?”

“Eugh, no, no way, but —”

“If you have any better plan, I’m listening.”

“ _Joder_ … I don’t but… Alastor, Charlie? Really?”

“He’s the most powerful sinner I know! Not to mention the only overlord that actually hangs around me.”

“…So let’s say you get him in on this… This plan of yours. Let’s say you’d manage to convince your parents. What then? You marry _him_?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, let’s just find him and… Court him, I guess?”

“Oho, you’re on your own on that one, _amiga_.”

* * *

“Charlie, there you are, dear!”

“A-Al! Jeez, you scared me!”

“Well, I _am_ naturally terrifying!”

“…Is that blood on your coat?”

“No?”

“That’s not a question you’re supposed to answer with another question.”

“Oh, don’t worry so much, it’s not mine.”

“That’s not really encouraging.”

“You asked for me?”

“Ah! Yes, indeed I have… Al, I need to talk to you.”

“Whatever about?”

“You see… My parents have this… This thing. They want me to get married to some high-hat demon so the denizens of Hell would, um, take me more seriously, I guess? So, uh…”

“…So?”

“So, I told them I’m already in a relationship.”

“Naturally.”

“But they seem to have misunderstood the, uh, person I’m in a relationship _with_ … And now…”

“…Yes?”

“Myparentskindofbelievewe’redating.”

“Oh.”

“And they kinda want me to marry you.”

“…Oh.”

“Look, I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t exactly normal.”

“Well, normal is subjective, but I can’t say I hear this every day.”

“But all I need you to do is agree to… To this farce, just for a while. To pretend you’re with me, just long enough for me to convince my parents to give up on marrying me off!”

“Dear, your plan is getting worse faster than I can lower my standards.”

“Please, Al? It won’t take much effort. Just… Hang around me like you usually do, maybe hold my hand from time to time, I’ll make it worth your while, I promise, I’ll —”

“I’ll do it.”

“…Say what now?”

“I’ll play along with your train-wreck of an idea!”

“Wha… Really?”

“Of course! I’m 100% sure this isn’t going to end well, but the whole middle part is going to be fun!”

“Wow… Well, that’s… That’s great! Oh my god that’s amazing actually! Al, thank you so —”

“Ah, ah, darling, remember the 5-foot rule.”

“Think you’re gonna have to compromise for at least half a foot if you actually want us to be a convincing couple, Al.”

“Fair point. So… How do we go about with this plan of yours?”

“Well, first off, we’re gonna have to meet with my parents next week to… Plan the wedding.”

“Splendid! What do you think about a red and white theme?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check for this fic next to the description of "dumpster fire" 
> 
> every chapter title is named after a vaudeville play, by the way. vaudeville is a type of play featuring burlesque comedy, song and dance.


	2. Holler If Ya Hear Me

“Charlie, dear?”

“Hey, Al! What’s up?”

“Well, I have a concern. About the… Arrangement we discussed yesterday.”

“Oh. Just one?”

“No, but I don’t think you’d let me speak my piece if I told you how many I actually have.”

“You’re probably right, but I’m a firm believer that every fake-relationship should be based on fake-trust. So, uh… Just give ‘em to me one at a time, please.”

“Alright. First, am I to believe that this whole charade is to be acted out only when around your parents?”

“Y-yeah. No need to perform in the hotel, or on the street, or anything.”

“So no one else knows about our purported romance, yes?”

“…I’ll try not to be insulted by how relieved you sounded just now.”

“No offense, dear, but I have a reputation to maintain… And I can’t exactly say you’re my type.”

“Ouch. Be honest. Is it the nose?”

“Mm. It’s the _goody-two-shoes_ , actually.”

“Fair enough. Any other… concerns?”

“Yes. I imagine we’ll have to kiss?”

“Wh-WHAT??”

“Darling, are you quite alright? …Did you just choke on your own spit?”

“No, a coughing fit is just what looks best on me.”

“Hah, I see. Funny.”

“No, but seriously, Al, we don’t have to… Kiss. Especially if you’re not comfortable with that.”

“Oh, I’m not opposed to it, sweetheart, I’m not some blushing virgin. I was just going to say I’d prefer it if you left it up to me to initiate any intimate form of contact.”

“That’s… That’s fine, I guess. As long as you give me a heads up I’m sure I can handle it.”

“Charlie, it’s just a kiss, not a bus coming to hit you at full speed.”

“I-I know that! I just… Find it kinda weird that you’re so… Comfortable with this.”

“And why wouldn’t I be? If duping the King and Queen of Hell into believing I’m their daughter’s _beau_ isn’t enough, I also get to see your silly reactions. Like the expression you’re wearing right now! Haha, you’re putting imps out of business with how red your cheeks are!”

“Thank you, Al. For barging into my hotel and constantly making fun of my very serious issues. For these things I thank you.”

“You’re welcome, my dear. Now, there is still one matter I would like to discuss with you…”

“I shiver with anticipation.”

“On a scale from 1 to Angel Dust’s cooking, how embarrassing would you like our couple anecdotes to be?”

“Did someone mention my name? I have been summoned!”

“A-Angel?!”

“What’s up, blondie? Sexy train is entering the station!”

“Uh, yeah… Just… Out of pure curiosity and for reasons that are both totally not shady and also not at all any of your business, how, uh, how much of our conversation did you happen to hear?”

“Charlie, ya should know that, as a rule, I don’t eavesdrop on any of ya conversations, because I don’t want to suffer a second death by boredom. It hurts my feeling that ya actually think I give a shit about anyone other then myself.”

“…You meant to say I ‘hurt your feelings’, right?”

“Nah, my ‘feeling’. Only got the one. So anyway, Al, what was that about my cooking?”

“I was just telling sweet Charlie here how it might be the only thing that could convince me to impale myself on the nearest angel spear during the next extermination. But, as much as I’d like to continue _bumping gums_ with you both, I’m afraid I have to _blow_.”

“I can help ya with that.”

“Charming. I suggest you help yourself by never speaking ever again, dear. It lowers the IQ for the whole of Pentagram City. Charlie, I’ll see you later.”

“Sure, bye, Al!”

“Well, well. Ya sure have been spending a lotta time with our resident dicklord lately.”

“I, uh… I don’t…”

“Ah, c’mon, relax, blondie! I’m only teasin’ ya.”

“I… Knew that.”

“…Unless there’s somethin’ ya wanna tell me?”

“N-no! Definitely not! Got nothing to tell, because everything is totally normal! Oh, would you look at the time? I’m late to Vaggie’s… Cocktail party!”

“It’s 1 PM, hon.”

“…We like to get an early start. Anyway, I’ll uh, catch ya around, Angel!”

“…What the hell is goin’ on.”

* * *

“Hey, Husk.”

“Hrrrn.”

“Hey. Wake up!”

“Whaddaya want?”

“Ya sober?”

“…I’m moderately functional.”

“I’ll take that as a no. Which means, it’s the perfect time to use your vulnerable state to extort some information from ya!”

“Why does everyone think that I know all the gossip jus’ because I’m a barkeeper.”

“It’s not as much about general gossip as it is about a certain red buddy o’ yours.”

“…And why does everyone keep calling Alastor my friend? I’m not his friend.”

“No, but you an’ Niffty are as close as you can get to actual experts on all thing Alastor-y, so. Spill.”

“Spill what?”

“What’s goin’ on with him and Charlie? Saw them jus’ a few minutes ago and they were both actin’ weird… -er than usual.”

“Fuck if I know.”

“Husky… C’mon.”

“Even if I, _hypothetically_ , knew what you’re talking about, what makes you think I’d tell you?”

“Cause you’re bored and I’m available. Look, I know you know something! You’re suspiciously good at picking up juicy information from random chatter! …Speaking of, how do ya do it?”

“I can’t tell you all my secrets, Angel.”

“Historically, ya’ve told me very few of ya secrets. Actually, more like none a’ them. It’s about time ya get in the habit of it.”

“You won’t leave me alone until I tell you something, will you?”

“Ya know me so well already.”

“Ugh. Fine. I did happen to overhear Charlie talkin’ to her parents on the phone yesterday.”

“Ooh, promising start!”

“I didn’t catch the whole thing, since I was too busy licking vomit out of my fur, but I heard her tell ‘em she’s in a, uh. Relationship. With Al.”

“Woah, woah, woah. Pop the brakes. _WHAT_.”

“… And here we go.”

“No, I don’t think ya heard me. Let me reiterate. What?!”

“If you yell that out one more time, so help me Satan…”

“I can’t believe ya’ve been holding this to yaself this entire time! This is, like, huge!”

“If you say so.”

“Wait. Does Vaggie know.”

“I’m not sure, and I also don’t care.”

“Holy shit d’you think Charlie is cheating on her? With… With the fuckin’ radio demon?!”

“I regret everything I just told you.”

“Are you sure you heard right? Are you sure you weren’t having some weird kinda alcohol-induced fever dream?”

“Why do you even care, anyway?”

“Because! Because this is, like… Completely unlike Charlie! Or even Alastor! It’s so out of the blue… No, no way, I gotta know for sure. It’s time to consult with the heavy-hitters.”

“You mean Niffty.”

“Sorry, Husk, but I don’t think ya understand me like she does.”

“Oh, it looks like I left all my fucks in my other pants. Tough luck.”

“Hey, one more thing, ‘fore I go… Is my cooking really _that_ bad?”

“It’s worse than Alastor’s mystery meat gumbo, that’s for sure… That was actually quite tasty.”

“Ya do know it was probably made of people, right?”

“Yeah… Yeah, probably.”

* * *

“Oh, hello, darling! Fancy bumping into you here. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’m actually on my way to —”

“Cut the shit, _cabrón_. I just wanna have a few words with you.”

“Really now? It’s not often you delight me with a conversation, so what brought this on?”

“You know damn well what brought this on. I already told Charlie I don’t think this is a good idea, but I thought I should ask you directly. What are your intentions with her?”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“You do! Since your first day in damnation, you’ve done nothing but be a generally opportunistic douchebag and exploit people’s weaknesses in your own interest! You may have fooled Charlie just because she wants to see the good in everyone, but there’s no way in hell I’m stupid enough to believe you’re helping her out of the goodness of your heart. So what’s your angle here?”

“How quaint. You think you know me.”

“I’n trying to have a serious conversation with you, Alastor!”

“And I’m trying to subtly avoid it. I find it quite amusing that you’re so defensive over a make-believe relationship that’s only meant to fool her parents. Whatever happened to trust?”

“Look, I’m the first to admit you’ve been a… A big help…”

“Careful, dear. You might accidentally make me think you’re giving me a compliment.”

“…When it comes to the hotel. But when it comes to Charlie, I trust you about as far as I can throw you.”

“So not very far then, considering your _astounding_ lack of upper-body strength. Ten push-ups a day will do miracles for your biceps.”

“I don’t need biceps when I can crush your head with my thighs.”

“Ah, there it is. Almost thought you wouldn’t get to meet your daily death threat quota.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve never been one for subtlety.”

“Indeed. One look at your weapon collection could’ve told me that.”

“Everyone needs a hobby. We can’t all be workaholic overlord tyrants.”

“Really? And what would you say your hobby is, dear Vaggie?”

“Deflating the ego of workaholic overlord tyrants.”

“Cute. But I tire of this back-and-forth between us, I was serious about being busy. As for your concern, you needn’t worry. I have nothing to gain from this pretend relationship with Charlie, nor from her parents. I’m simply doing this because she asked me to. I shall remind you I’m also doing this for your benefit, darling, so you may continue to be with her. If you can think of any other use I can get from it, though, I’m open to suggestions.”

“ _Fine_. Be that way. But I’ve got my eye on you.”

“Shame. Since you’ve only got the one, you’ll miss out on so many other forms of entertainment by focusing it on me.”

“Dunno about that. Even though you’re, like, a total asswipe, you do have a penchant for making things interesting, despite everyone’s protests.”

“You said it yourself, darling. Everyone needs a hobby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a new opponent enters the arena: angel dust. sticking his non-existent nose in everyone else's business.
> 
> to bump gums - to talk  
> to blow - to leave


	3. Shuffle Along

“Alright, let’s go over this again.”

“Darling, we’ve gone over it 4 and a half times now.”

“And we’ll go over it 4 more times until we leave.”

“That seems slightly excessive.”

“I’m _nervous_ , Al.”

“I am both shocked and scandalized.”

“What if it doesn’t work? Then they’ll get mad I lied and basically sell me out to the closest douche high lord and I’ll live the rest of my life trapped in an unhappy marriage and I’ll have kids I don’t want and —”

“Charlie, please breathe. In and out. In and out. That’s it. Better?”

“Y-yeah. Thanks… I’m sorry, Al.”

“Now, now, no need for that. I’ll go over what we’re going to talk to your parents about however many more times you want, sweetheart, but if you meant for this to soothe your nerves, I don’t think it’s working. I might be… Overstepping some bounds here by asking this of you, but I think you should just trust me. Leave the dinner small-talk to me. All you have to work on for now is _not_ looking like you’re vaguely nauseated by my presence.”

“…I’m not, though. A-and I do. Trust you, I mean.”

“Well, that’s always nice to hear.”

“The thing is, Al, you don’t know my parents… They can be very intimidating. And although I know that’s not really an issue for you, it is for me. I love them, I do, but… None of my previous relationships has ever passed this, uh, ‘meet-the-parents’ dinner test. They never gave Vaggie a chance. Even though you’re an overlord, I’m worried they might reject you for some other weird convoluted excuse.”

“Doll, if I didn’t think I could win them over I wouldn’t have agreed to this thing. It wouldn’t have been entertaining if you got shot down before things got fun! I’m confident this will work, and I think you should be, too. Have some faith. In me, _and_ in yourself!”

“Thanks… That’s actually kind of sweet.”

“Yes, well, I have my moments.”

“Too few, if you ask me. However, I gotta know… Are you completely sure that you got this? That you know your, uh, _script_?”

“I don’t need a script. What kind of a successful radio host doesn’t know how to improvise?”

“Okay, see, I was beginning to relax until I heard the word ‘improvise’. Al, how do I put this… You have the tendency to go… Overboard. Like, all the time.”

“What’s life without a little drama?”

“Long, probably. You’d know that if you didn’t dramatically die young trying to live a dramatic life only to dramatically end up in Hell.”

“I won’t overdo it, Charlie. I promise. Making stuff up is one of my specialties! If I weren’t so enamored with radio, I’m sure I would’ve been an actor.”

“Hmm, I dunno... Right now I can also see you as a motivational speaker.”

“…A motivational speaker.”

“Yeah. I mean, you’re very good at… Motivating… People out of their souls? B-but enough about your career prospects! We should both get dre — Oh! Oh wow. I always forget you can do that at the snap of a finger.”

“You look lovely, dear.”

“Why thank you, _honey_. Not so bad yourself.”

“What can I say? You bring out the best in me, _mon amour_.”

“Ok god this is gonna take some getting used to. I’m _so_ not ready for your french to show.”

“I’ll switch the channel back to english pet names, if you like.”

“Please. While you’re at it, I’ll just call for the limo…”

“The limo?”

“…Yes?”

“Charlie, do you want _everyone_ in this hotel to know where we’re going and why we’re going together?”

“Obviously not, but unless you can find a way to telepo — _gah_!”

* * *

“Ok, I know I’ve agreed to let you take the reins during this dinner operation, and all credit where it’s due, you’ve been doing great, but let’s lay some ground rules before mom and dad return.”

“I’m listening.”

“First: _no more teleporting me without a warning!_ ”

“Aw, are you still sore about that, my dear?”

“Yes! I’m sore in places I wasn’t aware I even _had_ , and I almost vomited on your shoes, and it was _not_ fun. So at least give me a head’s up next time. Second!”

“How many more are there, Charlie?”

“I’ve had time to think of a good few of them while you were busy schmoozing my parents. Where was I? Ah yes. Stop holding strange voodoo magic pissing contests with my dad during dinner.”

“Oh, why? I thought we were having quite the bonding moment.”

“You were, to me and my mom’s discomfort. It’s… It’s weird, ok? Watching you and my dad stare creepily at one another from across the table. It’s weirding me out.”

“…Do you think he likes me, though?”

“Wow, you almost sounded genuine right there. You were right, Al, maybe you _would_ be a good actor.”

“I was serious.”

“…Yeah. Yeah, he does. But stop derailing me from my list! Rule number three! Or rather um, not a rule but a desperate plea. If you insist on coming up with cringey couple anecdotes, can you please try not to make me sound like a complete moron?”

“I only have so much to work with, Charlie. Now be quiet, your parents are returning.”

* * *

“…Are they gone?”

“I can’t hear their footsteps anymore, so I’m going to say yes.”

“Ok, then _why the hell did you do that_?”

“Do what?”

“Agree to go to the ritzy soirée my dad’s insufferable friends are throwing!"

“I agreed to the celebration for the same reason _you_ agreed to _share a room with me tonight_ , Charlie. So as to not arouse suspicion.”

“Wha… Sleeping with you — emphasis on _sleep_ — is not even on the same _planet_ as going to a public affair! As a _couple_. It’s going to be awkward and it’s going to make it harder for us to keep this whole… Whole _thing_ under-wraps! I thought you didn’t want to be acknowledged as my boyfriend? Something about your reputation?”

“Yes, well, your father _did_ mention that he would swear for Furfur and his guests’ discretion! Just because it’s going to be awkward for you at first doesn’t mean it won’t be worth the effort. Your parents will think you’re serious about us and will be more liable to agree to postpone your premature marriage! Agreeing to _sharing a bed_ with me, however, is wholly unproductive to this narrative you’ve created!”

“Unproductive. _Unproductive_? Yeah, ‘cause my mother, who, might I remind you, is a _succubus_ , definitely won’t question my reluctance to be _intimate_ with my boyfriend. That’s definitely not a thing that would have happened.”

“Why didn’t you just say you had urgent business at the hotel? She wouldn’t _have_ anything to question if she thought we were sharing a room _there_.”

“Well I… I just… Shut up!”

“Charming.”

“Ok, you know what, it’s fine, let’s just… Stop fighting. We’ll figure it out. Here, you take the bed, and I’ll just… Sleep on the floor or something.”

“Now what kind of gentleman would I be to let that happen?”

“I mean… You were right, it sort of _is_ my fault we’re stuck in here together tonight. It’s the least I could do. Ugh, if only _someone_ didn’t teleport me before I could take my phone, I’d be able to call Vaggie and let her know about this! You… Don’t happen to have a phone, would you?”

“I am disgusted by the fact you even have to ask me that.”

“No surprise there. But… There’s still the matter of our sleeping arrangements. If you don’t agree to letting me sleep on the floor, and I don’t agree to letting _you_ sleep on the floor —”

“As if I would degrade myself like that. The way I see it, there’s only one solution to this. I simply won’t sleep.”

“What.”

“I don’t usually sleep, anyway. In fact, I think the last time I’ve done that was roughly… Three weeks ago, I’d say.”

“How have you not died a second time.”

“If it weren’t for Lucifer’s anti-teleportation field, I could just take my leave, but it seems I’m trapped here with you for now. I can just grab one of your books and read something until you wake up. Is this… Is this _Twilight_ on your shelf I see here?”

“Wh—What makes you think I’d let you stand over me creepily while I sleep?”

“I don’t see why you wouldn’t if I’m just minding my own business.”

“Nuh-uh, no way, there’s no way you’re doing that.”

“Ooh, is this an Oni mask?”

“A-Ahh! Alastor, take that off!”

“Why? I like it! I think it’s quite becoming.”

“Yeah, becoming the stuff of my _nightmares_. Look, just. You take this half of the bed, I take the other. Sound fair?”

“Whatever you say, princess. Your wish is something something.”

“…Hey, Al?”

“Yes, Charlie?”

“Do you smile in your sleep, too?”

“I don’t encourage you to find out. I have knives, dear. Count them. And those are the ones that _aren’t_ hidden.”

“Kidding! Just—Just kidding.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Hey, Al?”

“Mm.”

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”

“Don’t worry yourself so much. I may complain sometimes, but I think… I think I’m having fun.”

“Are you now? So it _doesn’t_ cause you extensive inner turmoil to even take my hand in yours in front of my parents?”

“Oh, taking your hand is easy. Holding it is a trial. Your palms are surprisingly sweaty!”

“Ok, I dug my own grave with that one. But, uh… If I’m being honest… I think this is sort of fun too.”

“Well. I wasn’t expecting… That.”

“It’s just that… This is kind of refreshing. This whole sneaky thing we’ve got going on. And this is the first ‘sleep-over’ I’ve had in years! And… It’s nice to see my parents being proud of me, even if it’s not for the reason I would have liked them to be…”

“…Charlie.”

“Yeah?”

“If your parents can’t be proud of you for all that you’ve achieved so far, then they are utter fools.”

“…Thank you, Al.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to cliché battle royale! let's see which oversaturated trope can climb to the top and reign supreme over this god forsaken story


	4. George White's Scandals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a posting schedule, i just dont know what the hell it is. this all plays into my lawful chaotic alignment. so yeah, sorry about that

“Heyyy! How’s my favorite little lovebug?”

“Hi, Angel! Oh, jeez, you won’t believe how much dust I found gathering behind the big clock in the reception hall! It’s like a dust bunny army! Haha this reminds me of that one time —”

“Yeah, listen, babes, I didn’t really come to ya because I care about cleaning.”

“Gasp! Who _doesn’t_ care about cleaning!”

“…Did ya just literally say the word ‘gasp’? Whatever, it doesn’t matter, because I have somethin’ urgent I need to talk to ya about! Have you noticed anythin’… off… about Alastor and Charlie lately?”

“Off?”

“Like, um, them bein’ around each other more? Or like holdin’ hands or whatever kinda shit vanilla couples do.”

“…Nope, can’t say I have! I don’t think Alastor would hold Charlie’s hands, they look quite sweaty.”

“Fuck’s sake, maybe Husk was wrong after all…”

“About what? Ooooh, is this our gossip time again? Should I grab us mimosas?”

“I mean, sure why n— _Woah that was quick_.”

“You were saying something about Husk?”

“Oh, yeah. He told me he’d heard Charlie tell her parents during a phone call a few days ago that she’s datin’ Alastor. But apparently, he _thought_ he heard that. I told ‘im to lay off the catnip when he’s on a bender...”

“Wow that’s such a coincidence! I thought I heard Alastor and Charlie call each other romantic pet names today! Do you think that means I got second-hand high from Husk’s smoke? Ohmigosh did we have one of those weird collective hallucinations?”

“…Ya lucky you’re cute, Niffty, ‘cause you’ve definitely got some screws loose.”

“Aw, thank you! People keep telling me that.”

“So… What exactly did ya hear, again?”

“Well, I was in Charlie’s room this afternoon just sweeping up — can you believe a princess can be so messy? She’s got empty yogurt cups all over her nightstand! Is it so hard to throw your yogurt cups in the trash? Or maybe eat in the kitchen to begin with? Oh, you don’t even kno—”

“ _Goddamn_ , girl, focus.”

“Okay, sorry! So anyway I was gonna clean her toy trunk —”

“…Charlie has a toy trunk?”

“Stop interrupting me, Angel! So I was trying to clean her toy trunk when I heard the door open and I accidentally fell in. You won’t _believe_ how big the trunk was on the inside, jeez louise!”

“Maybe you’re just small, babes.”

“So when I fell into the trunk, the lid kind of fell over and shut me inside! It was sooo dark but kind of nice because her imp plushies are really soft! I was just enjoying how soft they were and trying not to accidentally inhale any dust mites and then I heard Charlie talk to someone. And then I heard Alastor talk to someone! And then I realized they’re talking to each other! Charlie and Alastor!”

“Shocker.”

“So then I tried to quietly hug this biiiig leviathan toy and I heard Charlie say something about rehearsing! And then I sort of zoned out because it was dark and the plushie was fluffy and comfy.”

“So you fell asleep.”

“Details are for peasants, Angel Dust. But then at some point I woke up again and I heard Charlie call Alastor honey! And he called her _mon amour_! And then they just kind of — poof!”

“…Poof?”

“Yes! Everything went sort of silent so I opened the trunk to get out and they were no longer there!”

“Al musta teleported them somewhere… But where? Where’s their secret little love nest?”

“Love nest?”

“Yes, babes, love nest. In case ya haven’t caught on yet, Al and Charlie are secretly dating.”

“Wooah! That’s just like my fanfiction!”

“Your what now?”

“A secret relationship! That’s so romantic, isn’t it, Angel?”

“No! No, Niffty, it’s not! Charlie is already Vaggie’s girlfriend! She’s cheating on her!”

“Oh. Well… Can’t Vaggie and Alastor just share?”

“…I’m not even sure how to respond to that. But one thing’s for sure… I gotta talk to Vaggie about this!”

* * *

“ _Maldita sea_ … They should have been home by now… Why isn’t she answering her damn phone?”

“Vaggie!”

“Angel! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

“…I’ll think about it. Now can you please put the spear away?”

“Depends. Do you plan on being annoying right now?”

“Annoyance stems from jealousy and jealousy is a disease. Get well soon, Vagatha.”

“See, this is why Husk greets you with his middle finger. What do you _want_ , anyway?”

“Well, uh, see… Uhm. How are ya, girl?”

“…Pretty fuckin’ pissed, if I’m honest.”

“Why’s that?”

“Charlie went to see her parents today but she was supposed to be back by now… She’s not answering her calls and I’m… I’m just worried about her.”

“Oh. Ahem. Well. That sucks. On that note, have ya, perchance… Seen Alastor round here today? ‘Cuz I sure haven’t. Seen him, that is.”

“…What?”

“Nothing, haha, I’m just saying, what a funny coincidence that Charlie sorta disappeared at the same time as Al, ahaha. Ha…”

“What’re you trying to say, Angel?”

“Nothing! Nothing. I’m just, um… Hey, you’re like, okay with Charlie, right?”

“That’s not even in the same galaxy as any of your business, but yes. I’m more than okay with Charlie. I _love_ Charlie. Are you… Is this your strange way of trying to play therapist? Have you been watching Dr. Phil again?”

“No, I’m just… I just wanted to check on you, is all.”

“That’s… Unlike you.”

“Yeah, well. Maybe Charlie’s redemption idea is rubbin’ off on me. You seemed kind of down as of late so I just thought… I’m… Ugh, ya know what, never mind, I’m sorry I bothered ya…”

“Angel…”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for checking in. That’s very sweet of you.”

“Heh. No problem, babes. Ya just, uh… Let me know if ya wanna talk. About anything.”

“Sure… I’ll do that. Later, dude.”

“…”

“…”

“Jesus _Please-Us,_ what was that? I couldn’t tell her anything! What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“I’ll say.”

“Ba-Baxter?! The hell did ya come from?”

“My parents. Anyway, I was literally just sitting here. I think you were a bit busy thinking out loud to notice, though. Anyway, what’s up with that? What did you mean to tell Vaggie?”

“Wouldn’t ya like to know.”

“I… Would. I just asked you about it, like, a second ago.”

“Well ya ain’t gettin’ shit from me, fish-boy. This operation is on a strict need-to-know basis. As in, no one needs to know.”

“Interesting. It’s not often I see you willing to keep a secret. You’re usually the first to spread one, actually.”

“It’s all part of my wild-card personality. But this is serious. So if ya don’t mind, go fuck yourself.”

“I, uhm. Actually, I kind of need your help.”

“Oh! In that case, please, _go fuck yourself_.”

“What are you, 12?”

“Yeah, on a scale from 1 to 10.”

“Come _on_ , Angel, I just need your assistance collecting data! It’s no big deal!”

“Data?”

“Yes, uhm… Ok actually it’s more like I need your help with… _Courting_ someone.”

“Boy, I don’t think you _can_ be helped if you unironically use the word ‘courting’.”

“That is exactly why I need you! You’re the only one that’s… Somewhat competent when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“What, you finally decided to ask Niffty out?”

“Be quiet! She’s small, who knows where she’s hiding! I don’t want her to hear!”

“Cute. Well, actually… Now that I think about it, yeah. I’ll do it.”

“…You will? That was… Suspiciously easy…”

“Yeah, I’ll help you! For the low, low price of nothin’! Well, almost nothin’.”

“And there it is.”

“Let’s make a deal. Ya scratch my back, I scratch yours type of thing.”

“What kinda deal?”

“The kind that requires the utmost secrecy! You’re pretty sneaky, aintcha, Baxter?”

“Thanks?”

“Help me stalk Al and Charlie around to gather evidence of their relationship, and I’ll help ya seduce our resident cleaning lady. Whaddaya say?”

“W-Wait. Did you just say Al and Charlie are _dating_?”

“Yeah, yeah, get with the gossip already, fish-boy. I’ll tell ya everything if ya decide to help me.”

“Why do you always have to do something in exchange for something else? Can’t you just help a friend out of the goodness of your heart?”

“Hey, respect the hustle, hon. We’re all in hell for a reason. Are ya gonna leave me hangin’ much longer? I’m getting kinda bored here.”

“…Alright. I’ll help you.”

“Fuckin A’! Time for some investigative action, baby!”

“Hold your horses, bud. Is this what you wanted to talk to Vaggie about?”

“Uh, yeah. She… She deserves to know, doesn’t she?”

“Well, obviously, if… If what you claim even is true.”

“What’re ya trying to say? Ya callin’ me a liar?”

“No. I’m just saying your penchant for drama closely rivals Alastor’s, and I hope you’re not inadvertently ruining a relationship based solely on hear-say.”

“I know what I know, okay? There’s no way both Husk and Niffty had the… same… collective hallucination about the two of them together! There’s just no way!”

“…Collective hallucination?”

“And anyway, that’s where you come in, buster. If we get concrete proof of Al and Charlie’s relationship, then I can finally tell Vaggie about it, and she will believe me because… Well… Science!”

“That’s not how you use that phrase…”

“And then they can finally talk this through like adults, all three o’ them, instead o’ sneaking around like a buncha teenagers. Who knows, maybe they can even learn to share.”

“Heh, sounds just like one of Niffty’s fanfictions.”

“Okay, one of these days someone is gonna have to explain to me what that actually means.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't wanna lead any niffty/baxter shippers on, so lemme just straight up say the endgame is... somethin else. im sure u can probably tell what i mean by that. 
> 
> new player entered the party: b b b b baxteeeer. fish boy the science guy


	5. The Passing Show

“Charlie!”

“Hey, Vag— _oomph_!”

“Where _were_ you? I’ve been worried sick!”

“You can stop glaring daggers at me, darling. This time it really wasn’t my fault, so there’s no need to get upset.”

“I’m not _upset_ , I’ve just got… _mixed feelings_ about the radio demon running off with my girlfriend.”

“Hah, mixed feelings? Mixed between what, vaguely annoyed and moderately annoyed? You’re sort of a one-trick pony in the feelings department.”

“…”

“Well, now you’re _definitely_ annoyed. Hope that clears things out for you, my dear. Still, I’m afraid I’m not very much in the mood to humor you today. I’ll leave you two to talk.”

“Okay, uhm… Bye, Al! Talk to you, um. Later?”

“Good riddance. He’s acting even sketchier than usual. Listen, hon, did he do anythi—”

“No, Vaggie, _really_ , I’m fine! And he was being honest, this… This was kind of my fault. Mom and dad invited us to stay the night, and I accepted because I sort of… panicked.”

“Well… You could’ve at least told me. I’m not trying to be possessive, I just—”

“No, I-I know. I know, and I appreciate that. And I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your calls, but when Al teleported us out, I forgot my phone. I’m really sorry… Apology smooch?”

“You’re lucky I love you— _mmph_. Heh, okay, fine, inconveniences aside… How was it? It must’ve went… _Decently_ if your parents invited you both to sleep over. By the way, where’d Alastor crash? Did you give him the big guest room with the deer heads on the wall? Bet he liked that.”

“Oh, uh… Haha, yeah, I, uh, I did. He slept in the guest room and I, obviously… Slept in my room. By myself.”

“So… Did it go well?”

“More than well! My parents really like Al!”

“Oh… Huh. That so?”

“Yes! Dad even gave him the Creepy Stare-Down of Ultimate Approval™️. And mom thinks he’s quite charming too! He made her snort-laugh! She snorted her wine through her nose! Ugh, I’m still upset I couldn’t film it, it was actually pretty funny. Can you believe that, though?”

“ _Hmph._ I can’t.”

“Yeah, and dad invited us to one of Furfur’s soirées two days from now. Something about ‘letting the nobles know I’m taken’. I think it’s gonna be dreadfully boring, but hey! Glass half-full, my parents bought it!”

“And I’m glad they did, _amor_ , but don’t you think this is going a bit… Far?”

“What do you mean? We only just got started!”

“Yes, but… A noble soirée? I feel like showing up is destined to send this whole fake-relationship thing spiraling out of control.”

“W-Well, I… I don’t! I’m confident I’ve got this, Vaggie! And once my parents are completely sold on it, I can convince them to lay off my back for a few more decades and then we can put this whole charade behind us! But until then, no, I simply can’t… I don’t want to marry yet, Vag.”

“I know… I know. I’m sorry. I _do_ have faith in you, it’s just… It’s gonna take some getting used to, seeing you on his arm like that in public.”

“We’re _not_ going public though. This whole soirée is just for show, and dad promised word won’t get out about me and Al in the rest of the city. Think of it as an intimidation tactic! Who in their right minds would think to pursue me after seeing me walking around with the radio demon, amiright?”

“Yeah. Sure. But I believe you’re gonna have to rethink your ‘not going public’ policy, because I’m pretty sure Angel Dust’s already onto you.”

“Say what now?”

“I dunno! He just came up to me last night asking me about how I’m feeling, and whether our relationship is okay or not, he kept insisting it was weird how you disappeared at the same time as Alastor. Of course, I tried to shut down his suspicions, but he’s one _nosy_ bitch.”

“Oh gosh… How could he know, though? I thought we were being sneaky…”

“Maybe someone saw you talking to Alastor about it? Who knows. But I think you should be more careful if you don’t want people finding out about your… _Eugh_ , your _relationship_.”

“No one can find out! If people find out, Al surely wouldn’t keep up the façade, and then mom and dad would _kill me._ ”

“Hon, you’re exaggerating.”

“I _absolutely_ am exaggerating! This is the time for exaggeration, Vaggie! Ugh, I guess I should talk to Al about thi—”

“Al, Al, Al. All you talk about lately is the stinky deer demon. Why not stay a while longer? I’ll help you take your mind off things for a while…”

“ _Hmm_ … Y’know what? You’re… You’re right.”

“Of course I’m right.”

“After all, I guess it’s not considered cheating if it’s a fake relationship, right…?”

* * *

“Husker, old sport!”

“Eugh, you’re back? Whaddaya want now.”

“Why, alcohol, of course! Because no great stories started with a salad.”

“Booze? At this hour?”

“There’s an old saying I can’t fully remember right now. Something about a pot and a kettle. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.”

“…Touché. What’ll it be?”

“An old fashioned, on the rocks.”

“What’s wrong with you? You look… Worse for wear.”

“Oh, don’t worry your cute little head, dear. I’ve just had an… Especially _interesting_ night. Nothing more to it.”

“Whatever. Here.”

“Thank you, my friend. Hmm... You always end up putting too much sugar. You know I don’t have an affinity for sweets.”

“If you’re gonna be a bitch about it, you can go to another bar.”

“I’d find more cheerful bartenders, too, but then I wouldn’t get to look at you all day.”

“…”

“Admit it. You’re charmed.”

“…Shut up.”

“Speaking of certain charms… Husker, have you ever been infatuated with someone?”

“What?”

“Have you ever experienced infatuation? Puppy-love? What the kids today call… A ‘crush’? Have you ever been _twitterpated_?”

“I understand what you meant, fuckass, I just don’t understand why you’d _care_.”

“I just want to know what that feels like.”

“Fuckin’… Why? You in heat or somethin’?”

“If I were, I think I would have killed you already just for the pure _insolence_ of your question. You don’t just ask people if they’re in heat, my feline fellow.”

“Whatever, I’m still not gonna try to explain _human feeling_ to you.”

“Oh, come on, Husker. Won’t you indulge an old friend? Everyone else is too sober for me to ask!”

“First off, I don’t know how many more times I gotta tell you this: _I’m not your fuckin’ friend.”_

“No, I suppose you let just about anyone cut your fur during heatwaves and scratch that hard-to-reach spot between your wings.”

“ _Purrrrrr—_ He- _HEY!_ Cut that out, you walking hemorrhoid, or I’ll bite that smirk right off your face! I told you not to do this in public! Fuck’s sake.”

“Of course, dear old _friend_.”

“…I’m still not drunk enough to answer your question.”

“Well then. Let’s fix that, shall we?”

* * *

“…So anyway, I told ‘er right then, I tol’ her… So what if you’ve got a cock? Any hole’s a goal! Hahaha.”

“Indeed. I’d say you’ve just about reached your peak state of inebriation. From here on, someone’s doomed to mop you off the floor.”

“’S okay, they can leave me there.”

“Ahe-hem. Back to the original topic, though, my dear Husker.”

“What, about bein’ in love?”

“Yes?”

“Sure, I’ve been in love. Hasn’t everyone at some point?”

“I—”

“ _Other_ than you.”

“…”

“Most people fall in love at leas’ once durin’ their life. ‘S natural. You fall in love an’ out of love an’ it’s beautiful for the whole of 5 seconds before it starts to _hurt_.”

“You make it sound so… Pessimistic. What about losing oneself in another’s gaze? Having butterflies in your stomach? Someone’s… Kisses holding your world in place?”

“Yeah, that’s all bullshit. Fallin’ in love, _truly_ falling in love, isn’t magical, it ain’t bigger than God. ‘S not about big, explosive moments and grand gestures...”

“Interesting...”

“…It’s about findin’ someone you want to be close to, in that moment. It could be anythin’ from a childhood crush to a tired co-worker to… To an old friend. Love is made of moments. If you don’t expect it to last, it feels much better when it _does_. Wish I knew that when I was alive.”

“Moments, you say? How did those moments make you feel, then?”

“Warm. Safe. Sometimes excited or unsure. All depends on the person I was at the time I felt what I felt.”

“This has been… Surprisingly insightful. Thank you for sharing it all with me.”

“Well, you offered me what I couldn’t refuse.”

“Alcohol?”

“Alcohol.”

“One more question, though, Husker. You said a person can fall in love more than once during their life. Do you believe the same can be said for the afterlife?”

“Hol’ that thought, I think I needa lay down…”

“You… Husk?”

“…”

“Well. Props to you for not puking all over the counter this time, old friend.”

“…”

“You know, I was always disgusted by couples. The affection, the attachment, the syrupy feelings. Syrup is sticky, and it drags you down, keeps you in place. Why would anyone subject themselves to that kind of vulnerability?”

“…”

“I’ve had plenty of chances for relationships in my life. Not to toot my own horn, but there were plenty ladies, and gentlemen, who sought after my attentions.”

“…”

“Being the object of one’s adoration is flattering, I’ll admit, but also pathetic, isn’t it? Letting someone know you would do anything for them. Why, I could never!”

“…”

“Why would you ever want a partnership if you love _yourself_? You’re the only person in your life that’s gonna be there beyond a simple ‘moment’, so why give anyone else your time of day?”

“…”

“I think the only person I’ve ever loved during my lifetime was my _maman_. And I’m quite alright with that being the case during my damnation, as well. Can you imagine being so stupid as to bare your soul to someone else, here, in Hell? Oh, the mere thought of the disastrous consequences of such naïveté is delightful, in itself! Haha, such ignorant fools.”

“…”

“But then again, Charlie and Vaggie seem to be doing alright.”

“…”

“Heh… Good talk, Husker.”

“Al!”

“Charlie, dear? How… long have you been here?”

“I just got here? I came to talk to— Wait, why is Husk lying in a depression puddle on the floor.”

“He appears — and smells — quite intoxicated, my dear.”

“I… Ugh, whatever, I’ll just… Deal with him later. I have to talk to you.”

“Why are you whispering?”

“Because… Because Angel is onto us!”

“Hmm, I expected that insufferable arachnid to stick his non-existent nose in our business, at some point. I suppose it’s time for us to exercise more extreme measures of precaution.”

“Yes, I think so, too. We can’t discuss anything about the soirée in the hotel, it’s too risky…”

“And what do you suggest?”

“I was gonna take you out tomorrow evening, actually!”

“Oh. Well now.”

“There’s a very discreet café a bit north from here, ‘ _Chort’s Coffee Corner_ ’. The owner knows me, I think I can convince him to lend us a private booth. So how about it?”

“It sounds like a marvelous idea!”

“Great! Hehe, I suppose you could call this our first date, eh, Al? I’ll see you later.”

“…Sure thing. Oh, and Charlie, dear?”

“Yeah?”

“Your shirt’s on backwards.”

* * *

“Angel Dust! Open up!”

“…Fish-boy, I’m gonna give ya 30 seconds to explain why you’re interrupting my beauty routine before I make the Holocaust look like a fuckin’ joke.”

“Why are you getting mad at me? I’m literally doing what you asked me to do! I spied on Alastor and Charlie!”

“Did you do it sneakily, like I said?”

“No, I did it stupidly, because I’m stupid.”

“Heh, ya said it, not me. Anyway, what did ya find out about Al and Charlie?”

“They’re going on a date tomorrow. Somewhere called ‘ _Court’s Coffee Place_.”

“…You mean ‘ _Chort’s Coffee Corner_ ’?”

“Maybe? Whatever, it’s hard to hear stuff accurately when you’re literally _hiding in a trash bin_ , alright?”

“Aw, shucks, really? And here I thought you’d be in your element.”

“I think I’m slowly developing an allergy to everything that comes out of your mouth.”

“Alright, minion, listen up. Here’s the plan: tomorrow, when they leave for their cute little date, we tail ‘em.”

“Uh… I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Because Alastor is scary?”

“That means nothing to me.”

“If he sees us following them, he’ll definitely kick our asses straight into purgatory.”

“That means less than nothing to me.”

“Do you have _any_ concept of self-preservation?”

“Heh. If I did, I wouldn’t have died young, now, would I?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this is longer than usual, but i couldn't break it up any more than i already have, so, y'know. sue me. i'm super excited to post the next chapter tho haha


	6. Our Boys

“…Al?”

“…”

“Alastor!”

“Yes, Charlie?”

“This is the third time I said your name! I just asked you a question!”

“I’m sorry, my dear, can you repeat it?”

“I _asked you_ why you’re zoning out like that! You keep looking in the rearview mirror like it’s showing you the secrets of the universe.”

“Mm. Remind me why we’re even in this limo when we could have gotten to the café more effectively my way.”

“Because teleporting makes me nauseous. Why does it bother you that much, anyway? Fess up, Al, what’s wrong?”

“It appears we’re being followed, darling.”

“What? Come on. You’re paranoid.”

“The pink car behind us has been there since our limo departed from the hotel.”

“They might just be going in the same direction as us, Al.”

“We’ll just have to change the direction, then.”

“What do you mea— _oh no not again_!”

* * *

“Uhm. Angel?”

“Yeah, what?”

“They’re gone.”

“Wh- _What_?!”

“Eww, you did _not_ just spit strawberry milkshake all over the windshield! Disgusting!”

“ _What do you mean, they’re gone.”_

“Look in front of you, man! Between the gross bits of pink slush! They’re freaking gone!”

“Ya had _one job_ , Baxter!”

“I-I looked away for two whole seconds! I don’t think we _lost_ them, maybe they just—”

“Ugh, no, shut up, just… Just pull over.”

“What, right now?”

“No, next Tuesday— yes, now!”

“This… Is this a bar?”

“Got it in one. Ya really are a genius, huh.”

“What are we doing in a bar.”

“What do ya think, Sherlock?”

“B-but what about Alastor and Charlie?”

“Gee, I dunno, I’d ask them, if only someone here was capable enough to not lose them in the first place! Damn, I need a gin tonic, all this stress isn’t doing my complexion any favors.”

“What, so… So we’ve come all this way for nothing? I spent literally the entire day preparing for this just so you can… Have an excuse to drink?”

“Shut up and get out of the car already, fish-lips.”

“Stop bossing me around! Just because we’re… friends… Doesn’t mean you’re suddenly allowed to be a complete jerk!”

“On the contrary! Friendship gives you _asshole free pass_!”

“…”

“…That sounded better in my head. Now, ya coming or what?”

“Yeah, sure.”

* * *

“Fuck shit bitch _goddamn_ —”

“Are you alright, my dear?”

“No! No, Al, do I look alright to you? What part of you believed teleporting the entire limo would be a good idea?”

“ _All_ my parts. We lost whoever was tailing us! And anyway, I brought us somewhere way better than a dingy café.”

“…It wasn’t dingy, it was quirky. And no one was following us! And… Wait, _where exactly_ did you bring us?”

“This, Charlie, is one of Hell’s most distinguished nightclubs. A dear friend of mine owns the place.”

“…’Mimzy’s Cabaret Club’? So I take it Mimzy’s your friend?”

“Hoho, you are as astute as you are adorable, darling! Now, if you’re done getting your bearings, shall we go in?”

“Y-yeah, okay.”

“Don’t be so nervous. I promise, coming here was a good idea.”

* * *

“Coming here was a terrible idea.”

“Really? I think she’s having fun.”

“Sure, if you consider engaging in a drunk, passive-aggressive improvised game of pool fun.”

“Hah, I do, and so does she, looks like. Although she’s… pretty bad, actually. Hey, Steve! Knock her dead! You got this, sugar!”

“I bet you don’t! I bet you _don’t_ got this... You can’t do it, Steve, you should probably forfeit now! Everyone thinks you suck at pool, in fact, they al— _hic_ —always talk about it!”

“Are you okay, goldilocks?”

“What’s wrong, Steve, can’t handle my trash-talking? If you c— _hic_ —can’t handle the heat then don’t, don’t be in it!”

“Hehe, dear, I should probably go up there and help her.”

“Come _on_ , stop being a stick-in-the mud, Allie-dear. You can’t tell me you don’t find this at least a little entertaining.”

“Oh, I do. But we came all the way here to talk about serious business, and this seems like quite the inopportune side-track. Didn’t figure the princess of Hell for such a lightweight.”

“Mm, I’m not surprised. She’s too much of a goody-two-shoes to partake in drinking often. But tell me, my sweet Alastor, how serious could your business be with Charlotte to bring her all the way to lil ol’ me?”

“…Charlie. She goes by Charlie. And I do believe the matter of our discussion is between me and her, _doll_.”

“That’s the most polite way anyone has ever told me it’s none of my business.”

“Well, we’ve been friends for a very long time, the least I could do is be polite.”

“Mm. Ya know, Allie-dear, some people are friends because they like each other. Other people are friends purely out of spite.”

“Ah, are you telling me we’re in the latter category?”

“This is my polite way of saying you haven’t talked to me in 4 years.”

“You can’t really blame me for that, though, Mimzy. You weren’t exactly in your best state of mind when we last saw each-other.”

“When you broke my heart, you mean.”

“Wasn’t aware you could still have one, down here.”

“You’re deflecting.”

“Because there’s nothing I can do, is there? It’s not my fault you were in love with me.”

“Am. I’m in love with you, and yes, it’s not your fault. But it’s your fault for never sticking around afterwards. For an overlord you’re quite a coward.”

“Sweetheart, I’m not here to entertain your romantic fantasies. I’m not interested, and never will be. I can only appreciate your company as your friend.”

“That’s _enough_. I didn’t ask you to return my feelings, Allie… I asked for you to accept them, and be there for me regardless. As my friend.”

“I… Don’t know how to respond to that.”

“Well, bless my days. Is the _famous_ _radio demon_ blushing?”

“The lights are playing tricks on you, darling.”

“Mmhmm. But anyway, I… I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that. I didn’t want to chew you out, I just want you to know where I stand. I don’t think I’ll be able to… Fall _out_ of love with you. Not yet. Not after feeling this way for so long, since we were both still alive, I… I’m _fine_ with being in love by myself. I just missed my old friend, my Allie, who’s bad at feelings and good at tearing people’s jugulars out with a tooth-pick.”

“Well… For all it’s worth, you’ve got him, dear. Belatedly, maybe, but…”

“I’ll take it… Even though it took your girlfriend getting absolutely _zozzled_ for you to say that to me.”

“She’s not my girlfriend, Mimzy. You know I’ve no interest in such things.”

“I know. But neither did I, really, until I met you. Sometimes… Sometimes you meet people that challenge the way you look at the world. Special people. I just think you should keep that in mind.”

“Yes, yes, whatever, thank yo—”

“Because you’re not as subtle as you believe yourself to be when you smile fondly at her every 10 seconds or so.”

“She’s simply very… _Entertaining_ , isn’t she?”

“That’s Alastor talk for ‘ _I care about her very much_.’”

“I care about her a normal amount, Mimzy.”

“Good. Then you won’t mind me killing her for puking on my carpets just now.”

* * *

“Here, you save a table and I’ll go get the drinks. Gin tonic, right?”

“And vodka. Get me two shots of vodka.”

“Do you want to get evicted from the hotel for misdemeanor, Angel?”

“Ah, they won’t get rid of me. They like me.”

“Famous last words.”

“Are ya going or not?”

“I’m going! I’m going.”

“…Well, hello. Look who we have here.”

“Fuck off, dipshit.”

“That’s not what you said last time.”

“There _was_ no last time, jacka—Oh.”

“What’s up, Angel? Long time no see.”

“Yeah, it, uh. Has been awhile.”

“Heh, _hazbin_. Like that hotel you checked yourself into, huh? Don’t get me wrong, I respect the hustle. I wouldn’t turn down a free room either. What else have you been up to, though? Still workin’ for Val?”

“Uh—Yes. Yeah. Ya know me, Hell’s most proactive cocksucker.”

“Oh, I _remember_. Funny about that, though, I wasn’t expecting a respectable guy like you to sneak out in the middle of the night like that. And right around the same time a significant chunk of cash went missing from my wallet."

"That—that was just for cab money. I swear I was going to pay ya back, I just forgot where ya lived. Or worked. Or...where we even met."

"I figured it was something like that, don't worry about it. So, you here alone tonight?"

"Alone...ish."

"Great, me too. Here, let me buy you a drink."

"No, really, ya don't have to. I was actually just leaving, so—"

“Um, Angel?”

"Oh no."

"Who are you?"

"I'm—Baxter?"

"Oh. Oh, I see. Is this what you're into these days?"

"I—"

"Angel, aren't you going to introduce me to your...friend?"

"Ya know, I don't think we really have time for—"

"You don't remember my name, do you?"

"...Buzz?"

"Zack."

"That's what I—that's what I meant."

"Right. Well, I should probably leave you guys to it."

"Yeah. Okay. Great."

"It was a _pleasure_ meeting you, Zack."

"Sure. Oh, word of advice, buddy—don't take it personal when he skips off afterward without telling you. It's more than worth it, believe me."

"Good to know. Thanks."

"See you around, Angel."

"Yes, I'll definitely—yeah."

"Well. Well, well, well."

" _Don't_."

“He was certainly very… _beefy_. For a fly, that is.”

"What part of 'don't' do ya not understand?"

"Sounds like it was one of those whirlwind romances. I never took you for the type, Angel."

"Give me my drink. I am not putting up with this sober."

"Meeting a dark, handsome stranger on a lonely night—"

"Handsome?"

"—hey, everyone has their preferences, I don't judge—a thrilling flirtation over drinks—"

"Y'are enjoying this way too much."

"—falling into his passionate—and shockingly husky—embrace—"

"Are ya done?"

"—followed by you sneaking out with a presumably large number of his valuables, without ever having learned his name."

"Just...the cash in his wallet, actually."

"Wow, that's it? You must have really liked him, Angie."

"I take back every nice thing I've ever said to ya."

"Well, that's only a total of about ten words, so I think I'll be okay. I’m surprised you even took him up on the offer without asking him to pay up front.”

“I was honestly too high at the time to ask.”

“And they say romance is dead.”

“ _Something_ will be if ya keep talking.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re still haunted by all the ‘might-have-been’s’ with all the burly Zacks in this Hell.”

“Ya’re way too happy about this right now.”

“I feel like ‘happy’ is the wrong word for this. ‘Filled with malicious glee’ is probably more accurate.”

“Alright, ya can either stick this bottle in ya mouth or you can get ya ass kicked by all my extra appendages. Choose wisely.”

“Shut-Shutting up now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this chapter so both baxter and al have some blackmail material on their begrudging partners in crime. its divine justice
> 
> zozzled-drunk
> 
> also dont come for me but i like mimzy not being portrayed as an overly jealous psycho. sue me


	7. In a Forest, Dark and Deep

“Easy does it, darling. That’s right, there you go. Feel free to lounge on the whole seat, I’ll just take the other one—”

“Noooo. Stay w’ me.”

“Charlie, please let go of my coat. You know I hate being touched.”

“’M sorry. Please stay with me.”

“…Alright. Does the, uhm, limo know where to go? …Does it even have a driver?”

“…Hhmm..Hotel...”

“That’s right, dear, we’re going back to the hotel. You can take a nap in the meantime.”

“…”

“Heh. Vaggie is going to stab me for bringing you back like this. How can the almighty daughter of Lucifer and Lilith be so unaware of her alcohol tolerance, hm?”

“…”

“And why are you smiling, dear?”

“I jus’ like being in a room with you. You make rooms good.”

“I—Oh.”

“…”

“You’re getting sick again? Just… Here, place your head on my lap. There you go. Isn’t that better?”

“Mmmm… Ye.”

“You never cease to amuse me, Charlie. You’re very funny. Good thing I’m unredeemable, eh? If your hotel idea actually works, at least we’ll keep each other company.”

“…”

“Oh dear, are you drooling? Haha, well, I certainly wasn’t expecting a business date to end like this! Some partners we are, hm?”

“Al’stor…”

“Yes?”

“You’re not ‘s bad as ev’ryone says you are.”

“…”

* * *

“Okay, off the record, I gotta ask ya somethin’, cause it’s eatin’ at me.”

“I already dislike where this conversation is going.”

“Why Niffty?”

“What… What do you mean?”

“I _mean_ , what is it about her that ya like? That made ya want to put up with me through all this?”

“…Promise you won’t judge me.”

“Cross my heart, Baxter.”

“She’s… She’s pretty.”

“Go on.”

“And she doesn’t bug me about my experiments like everyone else does.”

“Probably because she doesn’t care about them.”

“And she’s…honest?”

“Honestly making fun of ya for being an egg-head, sure.”

“She’s just nice, okay? I just like hanging out with her.”

“Then why don’t ya?”

“I-I do! I _do_ hang out with her. Almost every day, in fact.”

“Cool. What’s her favorite color.”

“Uhm. Gree—

“Ehh.”

“—Blu—”

“ _Ehh.”_

_“—_ urple?”

“Greeblurple is close, but it’s actually yellow. Good try, though.”

“I don’t see your point.”

“Then put ya glasses on, fish-lips. Ya don’t even know her. You’re trying to force a relationship that ain’t even got a foundation laid on.”

“Are you _trying_ to convince me not to help you anymore?”

“I’m _trying_ to show ya how far ya are from your league. Cuz boy, Niffty ain’t it.”

“You said you weren’t going to judge me!”

“I was trying to get ya to open up, so I used an old whore’s trick called ‘me lying to ya.’”

“Yeah, well, I’m gonna use an old Baxter trick called ‘that hurts my feelings.’”

“Just drink your depression cocktail, you’ll get over it.”

“Y’know what? I can get personal too. Why do you care so much about Alastor and Charlie? You don’t care about anyone other than yourself!”

“Yes, I do!”

“ _No_ , you _don’t._ ”

“Try lookin’ in the mirror before ya start pointing fingers! Ya think ya care about Niffty, when in fact you’re just tired o’ bein’ lonely!”

“I’m not _lonely_!”

“Sure you’re not. And ya also don’t talk to your pet plant when ya think no one’s watchin’.”

“…Plants are scientifically proven to have feelings too, okay?”

“Look. I know I’m a _bad bitch_ and all that, but I’m also allowed to…care… about people. And I do. I care about Vaggie, and I care about Charlie, and I even care about Al. That’s what hangin’ around them for so long does to ya. You’re bound to at least low-key care about someone that’s offered ya a home, and reluctantly picked ya up when you’re down, and made ya some weird Louisiana-style breakfast when ya come in bruised from work. And I care about them getting _hurt_ , and I care about Charlie being hypocritical because, frankly, cheating doesn’t seem like a good path towards inspirin’ _redemption_ , or whatever. So don’t act like ya know me, alright?”

“What did… Did you just down half a wine bottle in one gulp?”

“It’s called talent, look it up.”

“How did you—Is this what you did instead of going to college?”

“I dunno, Baxter, is goin’ to college what you did instead of talkin’ to girls?”

“I had _plenty_ of dates in college, thank you very much.”

“Oh yeah, Niffty mentioned that one time ya got drunk at the opera and threw up in ya girlfriend’s lap.”

“ _Why_ does she always tell you these things?”

“’Cause I hang out with her, dumbass.”

“Right, do you have any other hidden talents you wanna share with the class?”

“I can recognize a fake-ass bitch when I see one.”

“That’s sure to come in handy.”

“It does. Like right now, I can tell you don’t actually give a rat’s ass about me, or my hidden talents, or why I care about my friends’ relationships.”

“…I take it back, Angel.”

“Take what back? ‘S hard to keep track of all the shit ya threw at me in the past 10 minutes.”

“I take back what I said about you not caring about people. And… You’re right. I _am_ lonely.”

“…Yeah... Me, too.”

“…And even though I’m still not totally sure what I feel about Niffty… I’m going to try and help you. With Alastor and Charlie. Because… I actually like hanging out with you.”

“I… Uh… You’re ok, too. Sometimes.”

“…Are you _allergic_ to giving compliments?”

“Shut up. And… For what it’s worth, I’m also s… … s-s… Ahem. I’m sor…”

“…Sorry?”

“Yeah. That. About digging into your whole thing with Niffty. And also for dragging ya into this.”

“Oh, well that’s… Surprisingly _nice_ of you.”

“Whatever, don’t expect it to happen again.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Angel.”

* * *

“Ugh, what the… Curse this dubiously long excuse of a car! Why did it stop?”

“…”

“The engine’s dead. The engine’s dead, and we’re in the derriere end of _nowhere_.”

“…”

“Are you still asleep? How are you still asleep? We’re _stuck_ here, Charlie.”

“’M not ‘sleep…”

“Indeed. I suppose I’ll just teleport us back to—”

“Please no.”

“How else are we—”

“ _Please_. _No_.”

“Dear, I think you’re a bit too _blotto_ to understand the predicament we’re in.”

“Jus’ call Vaggie.”

“Yes, right, how do I… Do that?”

“Phone. Gimme.”

“Are you doing it?”

“No batt’ry…”

“Wonderful. Can I teleport us home now?”

“Nuh-uh. No way, José. Le’s wait for… someone to come…”

“No one will come, darling, we’re quite literally surrounded by nothing.”

“Tha’s alright…”

“It’s definitely not. You’re not alright, and my legs are falling asleep because you’ve been laying on my lap for the past 30 minutes, and it’s pitch black outside, so I can’t even look out the window to keep myself busy! There’s literally nothing for me to do!”

“…”

“This is going to bore me to a second death.”

“…Hey, Al’stor?”

“Yes, Charlie, what could you possibly have to eloquently add at this point?”

“Right now, you have the mos’ beautiful eyes.”

“…I’m… Flattered you think so. Get some rest, dear. I think booze brings out the deranged in you.”

“No, ‘m not tired anymore. Le’s play 20 questions.”

“Play what now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to another chapter where nothing happens yet somehow things get worse: a text documentary, by me
> 
> i promise some ships will sail at some point


	8. Goodtime Charley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was so excited to post this chapter that i couldn't wait a few more days. i'm excited about the next chapter too, so pray for my willpower to remain this embarrassingly weak and u might get another update before the end of the week lmao

“D’you have a tail?”

“I… How… I don’t… What kind of question is that?”

“’S not your turn. You have to answer.”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything.”

“Haha, oh my gosh, you _do_!”

“ _Don’t_.”

“Can I see it?”

“No.”

“Aw, c’mon! Will some wine sweeten th’ deal? Eh? _Ehhh_?”

“I lived during the Prohibition, darling. You can’t even begin to imagine the strength of my tolerance. Some of us can actually hold our booze.”

“But I wanna see your tail!”

“I believe it’s my turn now.”

“…Meanie.”

“Why do you trust me?”

“ _Sheer, absolute boredom!”_

“Was that you trying to do an impression of me?”

“Haha yeah.”

“I do _not_ sound like that, Charlie. And that’s not your real answer.”

“Yeah you do! And no, ‘s not… I jus’ thought, like, at first, I could use your help. But then you seemed nice. Y’seem even nicer now. An’ I like you. So I trust you.”

“…Just when I started believing you couldn’t surprise me anymore.”

“My turn again! Why does your shadow move on its own?”

“This might shock you, my dear, but _magic_.”

“Cool. I just noticed ‘cuz lately he sneaks in my office so I pet his head.”

“…Really now.”

“I like ‘im. Back at th’ club when I almost fell durin’ pool he hugged me to keep me steady. I wanna keep ‘im.”

“This is all incredibly disturbing news to me so let’s swiftly move on. Are Razzle & Dazzle your pets or your bodyguards?”

“…Yes.”

“That doesn’t make sense, doll.”

“They’re both, but first of all, they’re my children an’ I love ‘em.”

“Do they… Do they shape shift? Or do they simply punch your enemies with their tiny goat fists? …Actually, never mind, keep your answer.”

“…Is Mimzy your girlfrien’?”

“Well now. What brought this on?”

“You can’t answer a quesh with another quesh, silly. Jus’ tell me.”

“She’s not. I’ve never been in a relationship. What I have with you, this whole… _scam_ … Is probably the closest thing I’ll ever get to having one. “

“Oh. Okay…”

“Don’t sound so disappointed, darling.”

“Shame, though. You’re kinda cute.”

“Ha, _you’re_ one to talk, you. One might mistake you for the CEO of Cute as Hell, but I digress. Since we’re on the subject of love… Would you say you love Vaggie?”

“Vaggie? Hell yeah, I love her! I love her _this_ much!”

“Hehe, I don’t need measurements, Charlie, just the verbal response is fine.”

“Vaggie is great an’ I love her so much I’m gonna _cry_!”

“Please don’t.”

“D’you have an accent?”

“…I do.”

“I wanna hear it! Lemme hear it, Al, pretty please?”

“…”

“With a cherry on top?”

“… You don’ have to beg dis much, _ma chérie_. _Mais_ don’ expect me t’ entertain’ ya more than dis. Y’aint gone hear de accent again.”

“Aww, but it’s so _adorable_! I really like your accent!”

“Too bad, princess, some things are better off hidden. Now, where was I… Ah, yes. What… What does being in love feel like?”

“To me?”

“Well, I’m asking _you_ , so yes.”

“’S a fuzzy feelin’ in my chest, an’ warm, bubbly happiness! An’ also jus’… Feelin’ safe. ‘S like havin’ a bes’ friend you can also make out with sometimes!”

“That’s… Enlightening, I suppose.”

“But y’know what love feels like already, Al! You said you loved your mom… What was she like?”

“She… She was a kind, beautiful woman. She taught me how to cook. She was always singing, no matter what she was doing, and she was always… Always smiling. She loved the bayou a lot, she used to sit outside with me waiting for the fireflies to show. That’s how… That’s how I learned how to count, by counting fireflies with her.”

“She sounds like a nice person… I’d like to meet her someday.”

“Yes, well… A woman like her has no place in Hell. She’s undoubtedly in Heaven. But, for what it’s worth… She would’ve liked you, Charlie.”

“…I like the smile you’re wearin’ now better than th’ other one. The other one’s creepy.”

“That would be the point, _chérie_. I’m curious about something, though… Why is your relationship with your father so tense?”

“Dad jus’ wants me to be more like ‘im. He’s afraid I might get hurt if I’m not. So nothin’ I do makes ‘im proud, an’ it… It hurts me. I love ‘im, but I jus’ want ‘im to be proud of me for… For what I do, not for what he wants me t’ do…”

“Sometimes part of growing up is is to stop seeking your parents’ approval.”

“That reminds me… You grew up in the 20’s, so how old were you when y’ died?”

“Almost 29.”

“ _Wow_ … Al, you’re not even a century old! You’re so much _younger_ than me! Haha, I could be your great-great-great-great-great—”

“Are you _quite_ done?”

“—great-great-great grandmother! Except there’s, like, 60 more greats in there! Hehe, you’re like a _baby_!”

“And also a serial-killer. And a cannibal. And a powerful — _very_ powerful — overlord, although I’m aware that can easily slip your mind sometimes.”

“…Overlord _baby_.”

“You’re so… Naïve. Do you know how easy it would be for me to hurt you right now? I could snap your neck in less than a second.”

“…No u.”

“You’re the first person to ever get this close to me in my damnation without dying. If you weren’t Lucifer and Lilith’s daughter, I would have probably killed you by now.”

“What matters is that you’re here and I’m gonna help you be better!”

“Why do you want to help sinners so much, Charlie? Sinners like me, who have done such horrible, unspeakable things. Why do you want to help them at the risk of your own wellbeing and status?”

“Why d’you think you’re not worth helping?”

“Why do you think I _need_ help? I certainly don’t _want_ it. I’m happy here.”

“…An’ _I’m_ happy you’re here, but you could be so much happier an’ I want that for you.”

“…”

“I wan’ you to be happy without havin’ to hurt people, ‘cuz like, you’re not really _happy_ if it’s jus’ at the expense of other people’s pain, right? I want you t-to… To be ha-happy with yourself… An’, an’ I want y’ to see yo-your mom, an’—”

“Oh, oh no. Come on _… chérie_ … don’t… tears? I didn’t mean to… _Goddamn it_ , okay, blow your nose into this. There you go. Smile for me? I like your smile so please stop crying, Charlie.”

“…’M fi-fine… I jus’ want e-ev’ryone to be happy…”

“I know, _chérie_.”

“No one’s really happy here, Al.”

“Not even you?”

“…”

“…At the end of the day, you make people better, Charlie. You make Vaggie happy, and Angel, and Baxter and Husk and Niffty. And… And me. Even for a moment, you make us happy. I think that counts for something, hmm?”

“Y-yeah… I guess it does… Y’make me happy too, sometimes, Al.”

“Well, then I guess we’re square, hm?”

“But… If y’could change anythin’, from your life or afterlife, wouldn’t you? If you had that choice?”

“…No, I don’t think I would. Every decision I made, both in my life and my damnation, I made fully knowing the consequences. Everything I had control over, I changed and maneuvered to my liking.”

“Yeah... Guess I wouldn't change anything either.”

“Well, actually… No, that’s not entirely true, there is _one_ thing.”

“What?”

“I’d get you to check the damn engine before we left.”

“Okay, I change my answer to that, too.”

* * *

“…”

“You must know, Charlie, that I will never change. I will never change for anyone, not even you.”

“…”

“I like the person that I am. I love myself, even, more than anyone else in life, or in damnation.”

“…”

“But… I admit I’ve come to care for you second-most.”

“…”

“I won’t ever try to justify my behavior or my sins in front of you, _chérie_ , because I don’t believe in your fundamental philosophy. I don’t believe that ‘deep-down, there’s something good in everyone’, because I don’t believe in ‘deep-down.’”

“…”

“I think our actions describe us the best. And mine will always fall more on the sadistic end of the spectrum.”

“…”

“I’m a black hole, Charlie. I attract good people and suck everything out of them, because that’s what fuels me. I’m a walking animal trap and bright people, people like you, have willingly fallen and will continue to fall into my claws.”

“…”

“But you’re not like them. You’re like the opposite of a black hole. You spill this irradiated sort of hope around anyone and everyone, undeterminably, constantly, unrequitedly. I admire that and I fear that about you. And yet I’m also… Jealous of you.”

“…”

“Maybe if I was more like you my life would have been different. My mind can’t help but wonder, even though I’m far from regretting anything.”

“…”

“But… But if I had a drop of sensibility in me, one single drop that survived almost a century of wretched existence and dark magic… Maybe I would have tried to change. Maybe that version of me would have let you lead him into a brighter future. Maybe he would have let himself enjoy your company without these envious thoughts clawing at the walls of his mind.”

“…”

“And maybe, just maybe, that version of me would have had the courage to say all this when you aren’t asleep, drooling on his chest. Alas, you’re stuck with this Alastor, _chérie_.”

“…”

“Heh, and the only witness to this frankly embarrassing monologue is just my shadow and that one insignificant stranger lurking outside. That… insignificant… Stranger! Well, I’ll be! Hey! _Hello_!”

“Whaddaya want, asshole? I’m bu— _oh_.”

“You… You’re a hellhound!”

“Close enough, Mr. Overlord. I’m just a sinner.”

“Just my luck. Be a good dog and help us get this car started, will you?”

“Nice try, dude, but I don’t do tricks without treats. I know who you are, and I recognize your little girlfriend here, too. I want a place to stay.”

“What, are the _kennels_ out of room?”

“Har de har. I don’t have all night, what’ll it be?”

“…If you so much as sneeze in my direction I will rip out your intestines and play jumping-rope with them.”

“Man, if I actually took death threats seriously, I wouldn’t be dead. Now scoot, I see a tool kit under your seat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who our canine pal is. u have one try. winner gets a cookie from this sleep-deprived author
> 
> my fav running gag is just alastor launching himself into a dramatic monologue every time someone passes out lol


	9. Home Sweet Home

“I’m curious.”

“Curiosity killed the cat. I’m sure dogs aren’t that far a leap.”

“I noticed you’re an expert at confusing what normal people call ‘conversation’ with an excuse to make threats, but ya gotta admit, it’s weird that a supposedly ‘all-powerful’ overlord didn’t think of using his magic to fix a car.”

“Are you still talking to me? _Why_ are you still talking to me?”

“I dunno, man, I must be getting off to annoying Hell’s top tyrant or something.”

“Oh god you’re from one of those punk-rocker, anti-social, anti-common decency sub-cultures aren’t you?”

“Did the leather jacket and stud collar give me away?”

“Get out.”

“We’re going 85 miles an hour.”

“Did I stutter?”

“You’re bluffing, dude. You’re not gonna risk your little girlfriend here getting mad at you for ruining the hotel’s chance at another patron.”

“Charlie is _not_ my girlfriend. We’re business partners.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Beg.”

“I wasn’t aware business partners would get shit-faced together like that. Or lounge on one another like that. Or hug each-other while passed out. Seriously, even unconscious, that woman has an iron grip…”

“If this is what I have to contend with until we reach the hotel, I much prefer being stranded in the middle of nowhere.”

“Sucks to be you, man. Maybe this is part of your punishment for, you know, murdering people in cold blood. And also torturing thousands of sinners in Hell. Maybe, just saying.”

“I’m glad my suffocating disgust towards you seems to be equally reciprocated, at least.”

"Don’t take it personal. I hate all overlords equally.”

“Because we’ve murdered people and tortured sinners?”

“Nah, I just have a problem with authority.”

“Charming.”

“No, but seriously now. It’s kind of infuriating that even in actual Hell, there’s douchebags that insist on bossing you around. With, like, threats of dismemberment or some shit. Because obviously death doesn’t really hold much weight in here.”

“Naturally.”

“Like, you’re definitely an asshole. And I’m also an asshole, but kind of not as big as you, because I didn’t eat people or whatever. Why can’t we both coexist in the same bubble of heinous assholery without this hierarchy bullshit? I just wanna rock out and do drugs, man, leave me alone.”

“Eyes on the road, you filthy stray! Do you _want_ us to crash?”

“Oh shit, my bad. I totally don’t have a license, by the way.”

“Thank you for letting me know _after_ I let you take the wheel.”

“Well, it’s not like you could do much. Not with your not-girlfriend lying on your chest like that. Can’t believe you’re letting her drool on you, dude, that’s super gross.”

“Do you _ever_ stop talking?”

“It’s kinda like when my cat used to fall asleep on my legs and I wouldn’t move for hours just because I didn’t wanna wake her up. People that move when their pets are asleep on them _definitely_ go to Hell.”

“And yet, here you are.”

“Uh, yeah, because of the drugs and that one time I hit someone with a knife, not because I woke up my cat.”

“Hit someone with… Do you mean _stab_?”

“To-ma-toe, to-ma-to, man.”

“Take a right here. We’re close.”

“Cool. Oh, and by the way, you don’t have to worry about me telling everyone about how you let the princess pass out over you. Not because I don’t wanna humiliate you, ‘cause I do, a little bit. But I like Charlie. She seems nice. Drool isn’t a good look on her.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate your effort.”

“To be honest, I dunno why she likes ya. You’re, like, the biggest cockwaffle in Hell. But hey. Who am I to judge?”

“Indeed. Who are you to judge.”

* * *

“ _Finally. Te voy a destripar, estúpido gilipollas_. What took you so long? What is… Charlie? Oh my god, what _happened_?”

“Chill out, eyepatch girl, she’s just shitfaced. Hey, where’s the kitchen around here? I’m starving.”

“And who is _that_?”

“It’s Crymini, man. Oh _shit_ , you guys have a bar? Haha, peace out.”

“The limo broke down on our way here. The mutt helped fix it, she wants to join the hotel. Don’t worry, I already checked her for fleas.”

“Forget the dog! Why is Charlie _drunk_? What did you _do_ to her?!”

“I didn’t _do_ anything, my dear, it simply _happened_.”

“Drinking doesn’t _simply happen_ , asshole! You were supposed to go to a fucking café! What, did you spike her caramel macchiato or something?”

“We… Ended up going to my friend’s club. Charlie got a little bit too enthusiastic with her cocktails… I wasn’t aware her tolerance was so embarrassingly low.”

“Some pathetic excuse of a partner _you_ are! She doesn’t drink, you asswipe, how could you not—”

“Don’t you _dare_ insinuate my intention was to—”

“I can’t believe she trusted you! That _I_ trusted you to—”

“If I wanted to hurt her—”

“You were supposed to take care of her! Not bring her down to some sleazy club and get her _drunk_ —”

“Vagatha, if I wanted to take advantage of her, I would have done so when we shared a room overnight at her parents’ place! Do _not_ attempt to continue with this vulgar train of thought! I would never do anything as low as that to someone like Charlie.”

“You… You shared a room with her?”

“I…”

“You slept with her. In the same bed. And she didn’t tell me.”

“I, uh… I didn’t know…”

“…”

“Don’t be like that.”

“Like what? _Hurt?_ ”

“Yes. We didn’t do anything, if that’s what you’re suspecting. It’s all a ruse. We don’t feel anything towards one another.”

“Yeah, right. It’s not about whether you actually _did_ anything or not, it’s about her lying to me. She never lied to me before…”

“I’m… Sorry?”

“No, you’re not. You’re never sorry for anything. Why _would_ you be. This is all just entertainment for you, isn’t it?”

“Well, this isn’t particularly helpful, but my mother always said the difference between tragedy and comedy is whether it happened to you or someone else.”

“You’re such a douchebag…”

“…Charlie loves you. A lot.”

“Oh, yeah? Did your creepy shadow tell you that? Don’t think I didn’t notice it sneaking into her office every now and then.”

“In my defense, I wasn’t aware he was doing that until today.”

“I don’t _care_ what you have to say in your defense! Ever since you and Charlie started this weird plan of yours, my relationship with her _changed._ And I can’t help but wonder _why_.”

“Vaggie… I know we aren’t particularly close, and you have no real reason to trust me, but I’m speaking from a place of honesty when I tell you I had no intention to… To interfere in your relationship.”

“Are you… Are you trying to _comfort me_ right now?”

“ _Trying_ being the keyword here, yes. I have enough sins to carry on my shoulders, I don’t need the burden of ruining you and Charlie added to the list. I just wanted to mention that she told me she loved you about 12 times when she got drunk. She’s obviously head over heels for you. Not even my magic could alter her feelings, I don’t think.”

“But then why would she—”

“I think the reason she lied to you is because she’s just as protective of you as you are of her. I mean, it doesn’t take too many brain cells to figure out you hate me. She probably didn’t want you to overthink it and get worried.”

“…I don’t _hate_ you. Not anymore… Did you think I hated you?”

“Well, to be fair, you didn’t really put in an effort to appear you _didn’t_.”

“Hah, _touché_. But still, um… I guess, thank you. For, you know, telling me all this.”

“ _De rien_ , my dear. It’s only fair I let you know what me and my fake-girlfriend get up to in our leisure.”

“You know… You can still be a major dickwad sometimes, and definitely annoying, and also insufferably cocky, and sadistic, and—”

“What crime have I committed to deserve so long a sentence?”

“I’ve got a point.”

“Once you arrived at it, send me a postcard.”

“ _But_ … But. I suppose if I had to trust anyone to be in a fake relationship with Charlie, I guess it would be you. Right after Niffty.”

“Wha—Your first choice is _Niffty_?”

“What can I say, that girl takes protective to a whole new level of scary.”

“Fair point. I guess Charlie deserves to be so aggressively protected, given how much she tries to protect everyone else.”

“…You _do_ care about her, don’t you?”

“I… Suppose I do.”

“Then maybe we have something in common after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but what if al and vaggie actually got along? haha jk............unless?


	10. Where There's a Will...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> darlings, i'm sorry it's been so long since my last update, but life has been quite hectic for me the past four weeks. i've flown back to my country, and if the time zone bullshittery wasn't enough to make my life hell, my online college courses are still on a new york time zone, so it it will continue to be hell for the following months. i've decided taking a bit of time off would do well for my mental health, but i'm still sad i had to abstain from writing for a while. anywho, i'm doing better, and i'm back in (hopefully) full force! i will resume a once-a-week update schedule starting now

“…And that’s how I met Rosie! We’ve been wonderful friends ever since. My, the way she tears out sinners’ nails while they’re still conscious? What a woman! I’m glad she’s here with us tonight, perhaps we can head over in a bit so I can introduce you—“

“ _Ughhh.”_

“Or not, I suppose. What’s wrong, dear? Still nursing that hangover?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting it to hit this hard. It feels like a thousand imps are doing the conga in my head.”

“You know, Charlie, if you’re truly feeling off, we shouldn’t have come to this shindig to begin with.”

“Sure, and how was I supposed to explain that to my dad? Yeah, sorry, dad, I can’t come to Furfur’s soirée tomorrow because I went out with Alastor and got super drunk. Please don’t poke his eyes out next time we come visit you and mom. That would have went swell, huh?”

“He wouldn’t poke my eyes out. Would he poke my eyes out? I thought me and Lucifer got along quite swimmingly. I’d hate for him to poke my eyes out.”

“Yes, it would be a shame, your eyes are lovely when they don’t have creepy radio dials in them. But rest assured, my father is known to cause bodily harm to my male suitors from time to time. Don’t let it discourage you, though. I had fun last night. I mean, during the parts I can remember, that is.”

“That’s always nice to hear. You drank like a nun who just got out of the coven for the first time and blacked out like a legend. I wasn’t expecting that from you, princess.”

“Surprise is the fifth natural element and I wear it well, Al. Wait… Wow, is that Vox?”

“Ah… Of course. That explains why my insides suddenly have goosebumps.”

“Is he another one of your overlord buddies?”

“HA. Haha. Seriously, though.”

“O…Kay. I’ll take that as a no. I’m not sure if everyone hates you or if you hate everyone.”

“I’ll leave it a mystery. Now, let’s try to steer clear of that festering TV screen of jackassery for now, yes?”

“Sure! Let’s go check out the buffet, they have a ten foot tall chocolate fountain!”

“Well, well. Look who the cat dragged in. How are you, Charlotte?”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“Funny, that’s what I thought too when I noticed you had the gall to show your face here after your hotel shit-show took off. Did Furfur run out of guests to invite?”

“Charlie, who’s this?”

“Helsa Von Eldritch. A pleasure to meet you, Alastor, though I can’t help but question the company you keep.”

“I—“

“Now, just a minute. Don’t drag Al into a catfight just because you want attention.”

“Oooh, so she does have horns. _Al_ , eh? You’ve got a lot of nerve to call the radio demon by a nickname. Got a death wish, _princess_?”

“Well—“

“I can call him whatever I want, Helsa, it’s none of your rotten business.”

“Charlie—“

“Don’t let power get to your head just because you’re business partners, hun, because—“

“He’s my _boyfriend_ , actually.”

“I… What?”

“Thank you for that eloquent contribution to the conversation, Hels, but if you’re done being petty, me and _Al_ have places to be. Because we’re, you know, successful. Actually, I doubt you would know what that feels like. If you’ll excuse us…”

“Just a minute, _bitch_ , you can’t just—“

“Charlie.”

“Yes?”

“Was that necessary?”

“Uhm. Hah, guess not. But it sure as hell was _fucking satisfying_.”

“Well, for what it’s worth… That was fun.”

“F-Fun?”

“Yes, of course! I rarely get to see such a mischievous side of you, I’ve got to say, _chérie_ , it was quite charming!”

“I… Oh. Thanks?”

“Don’t mention… My dear, do you hear that?”

“Hear what, exactly?”

“That! That marvelous amalgamation of instruments!”

“You mean the music?”

“Precisely! _Chérie_ , you simply _must_ dance with me!”

“Wha—NO! No. No, no way, nope.”

“Come on, darling, what are you afraid of?”

“It’s just, I… All these people, and…”

“Wasn’t the sole purpose of this get-together to show off our relationship?”

“You’re right, I guess I’m just… A bit nervous, that’s all…”

“My, you weren’t nervous a minute ago when you told off that _bird_ earlier, were you? Where’s that fierce and confident Charlie? Come back to me, please. A dance seems like a silly obstacle in comparison to all that you’ve gotten through and achieved so far, no?”

“You know what? You’re right, Al. Let’s dance.”

* * *

“That wasn’t so bad, now, was it, dear?”

“It really wasn’t! I uh, didn’t know you were such a good dancer…”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly the _cake-eater_ type back in my day, but I always loved parties. There’s nothing quite like having good music and a drink in your hand, hm? Well, besides murder, of course, haha!”

“And there it is. You ruined it. You ruined the whole sentiment.”

“Oh, Charlie, look… Is that Furfur’s office study?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Well, you’ve been here before, no? Furfur and Lucifer are old friends after all.”

“Well, yeah, but… Yeah, okay, yeah, I think it’s his study. Why are your eyes gleaming? Nothing good comes from your eyes gleaming like that.”

“Let’s snoop through his things! I’m curious what a big demon lord like Furfur has to hide…”

“What! No! Are you nuts?”

“Come, we can sneak in now, no one is guarding it!”

“You want to break into his house while we’re _in_ his house?”

“Why not? We’ll just slip away for a few minutes, no one will notice.”

“What if someone sees us? We’ll get in trouble! I mean I’ll get in trouble with my dad for getting him in trouble with the rest of the demon monarchy! And you’ll probably get maimed because I’m suddenly beginning to understand why most of Hell has a ‘no mercy’ policy against you.”

“It will be fine, _chérie_ , lighten up. No one is going to look in a measly office during such a celebration. Look at everyone here! Ah, look at these asinine, feculent excuses for lords and ladies! Look at them dancing and laughing together! Aren’t they just adorable?”

“Uh, gotta disagree with you on the ‘no one is looking’ bit, because your pal Vox has been obviously glaring at us for a while now. It’s kind of creeping me out…”

“Don’t mind him. He has the attention span of a small child with an Aderall-addled brain.”

“How can you not even go two hours without committing a felony?”

“Highly-trained instincts, my dear! Now come, I’ll create a distraction.”

“What are you—OH MY GOD PLEASE DON’T SET THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN ON FIRE.”

* * *

“I can’t believe you’ve set the chocolate fountain on fire.”

“Keep it down, _chérie_ , unless you want the sacrifice to be for naught. “

“What are you looking for in here, anyway?”

“Anything interesting, of course. Like, say, an illicit book of murders he’s committed, future torturing events, his grocery list, that kind of thing.”

“I’m sorry, his grocery list?”

“Never underestimate my ability to ruin the simplest of pleasures for the high lords, Charlie. You look through those cabinets while I search the desk.”

“Sure, alright. I’ll become an accomplice to this very dangerous thing you’re doing, Al. No, really, it’s nothing, no big deal. I do this all the time, myself, breaking and entering influential demons’ offices to look for dirt on them. Kind of run of the mill, actually.”

“Did you find anything?”

“Corruption, bribery, extortion, warmongering, prostitution, rape. The usual for you overlord types.”

“Hey, I have _never_ done the last two.”

“For once I can’t argue with you. You’re miles better than these scumbags, Al.”

“Flattered you think so, _chérie_.”

“Don’t let it get to your head, I still think what you’re doing is wro—Holy shit do you hear that?”

“Yes, someone’s coming.”

"Shit. Shit! What do we do? There's nowhere to hide and no time to get out!"

“Don’t panic. Put the documents back and come over here.”

"How is this going to help? Now we're both— _mmph_!"

"Hello? Is someone there? Hello? Show yourselves!"

"Oh!"

"Why—Princess Charlotte? And your… Boyfriend, Alastor? Just what are you doing in my office?"

"Um—"

"Your office? Oh no, we are so sorry about this. We snuck away from the party to find a quiet place to—well—oh, this is just too embarrassing!"

"Uh—"

"Oh, I...see. How did you get in here? Wasn't the door locked?"

"Was it? I don't remember anything like that, do you, Charlie, dear?"

"Er—"

"Guess I must have forgotten to lock it when I left earlier. Still, seems kind of a strange place to wind up by accident."

"Oh, we were just trying to be alone for a few minutes and this was the first empty room we found. We really can't believe this happened, right darling?"

"I—uh— _ow!—_ yes! Yes, sorry about this, Furfur. You know how it is, two months together and the hubby can't keep his hands off me, haha."

"Ah, of course. Well, I can't say I don't remember being that young. Try to be a little more careful next time where you wind up, if you don't mind. And when you're—uh—ready, Vox is looking for you back at the party, Alastor."

"Oh, that blithering assho—“

“Vox. Right. Tell him we'll—we'll be back shortly?"

"Can do, your highness. Alastor."

"...And he's gone around the corner."

"OhmygodI'mgoingtocollapse."

“Shush, dear, it was just a kiss. The real issue is that asinine TV demon probably saw us coming in here. I can’t believe we’ll have to deal with him after all the effort I put into subtly setting that chocolate fountain on fire!”

"Need air. Breath not working. Lungs at half capacity."

“On the bright side, at least one of us knows how to act. ‘The hubby’, Charlie? Really?”

"Excuse me for being a little distracted by your sudden hand on my waist! _Just follow your lead, Al_?"

“Well, you did agree I get to initiate all forms of intimacy, remember? This was me initiating!”

“At least give me a heads-up! Some deer demon call for ‘Hey, Charlie, I’m gonna shove my tongue down your throat now, is that alright? Please remember how to breathe when I start kissing you out of nowhere!’ Is that so much to ask?”

“For all intents and purposes, I think it went fine. We had Furfur fooled, despite the fact you were obviously hyperventilating. Now, shall we go back to the party and confront that slimy bootlicker, Vox?”

"Yeah, just—give me a minute here."

"Charlie...are you blushing?"

"What? No!"

"Then that more intense than usual flush on your cheeks is—"

"The—the lighting in here brings out my red tones!"

"Mm-hmm."

"Oh for crying out—why are you looking at me like that?"

“I was just thinking how much Vaggie is going to like _this_ one.”

“Oh. Oh no. Please don’t. She will never let it go after you told her how I fell on the pool table last night. I will literally pay you. I’ll pay you thousands. No, millions.”

"We can negotiate later. Come on, let's get back to the party. Unless you want to stay here and practice our acting some more?"

"Okay, I think I'm ready to—wait, what?"

"Wow, you're right, dear, those red tones are really popping. I wonder what kind of light bulbs these are?"

"I am referring to you as nothing but 'the hubby' for the rest of this weekend."

* * *

“Alastor! What a pleasure to see you here! It’s been too long.”

“Vox. An eternity spent apart from your rank presence wouldn’t be enough.”

“Uh, yeah, hi. I’m, uh, Charlie? Al’s girlfriend.”

“Really now? Well, you old dog, you’ve finally done it! You’ve cuffed an innocent woman! Congratulations, pal!”

“Let’s cut to the chase before my nose literally falls off because of your stinking personality, yes?”

“Or my ears fall off because of this infernal noise… What is—Is that a feedback loop? Is it coming from you two?”

“Don’t worry yourself with that, your highness. I think you’d rather be more worried about breaking and entering a high-lord’s private office. Have you really stooped so low, Alastor? Is your girlfriend’s little hotel business so desperate? How embarrassing.”

“I think what’s really embarrassing is your need to constantly follow us around, Vox. Are you bored? Is Furfur’s party that dull? My, think of how insulting that would be for the gracious host to hear. So rude.”

“Well, I see you’ve no intention of being frank with me, old pal, but know this: I’m onto you. And at the end of the day, who between us has more credibility? You and your girlfriend, with your ‘redemption’ nonsense? Or me, the most feared overlord in Hell. Think carefully, I know it’s hard for you, but I’ll wait.”

“If you’re done flailing your faux-influence in my face, I believe both Magne’s and Furfur himself, who accidentally bumped into us back in the office, will support the truth. Charlie and I were merely looking for some time alone, that is all. I’ve never been to Furfur’s estate before, I had no idea that was his private study, and you have nothing on us. Better luck next time, old pal.”

“Of course. Watch your back, though. It’s deer season.”

“That line got old the first time you used it. Don’t get bitter, just get better.”

“Al, let’s just go.”

“Alright, _chérie_. I’ve had enough of this tomfoolery as well.”

“…What do we do?”

“About what, doll?”

“About Vox! He totally didn’t buy it! He threatened you about four times in a two-minute conversation!”

“Nevermind that blathering clown. There’s no way he can back his threats, he’s all talk. Who’s going to lend an ear to his nonsense? All the powerful demon lords saw us as a couple at this soiree, your mother and father believe we’re together and want us to marry, and everyone else’s thoughts and opinions simply don’t matter.”

“B-but he—“

“We went to Furfur’s study for some couple time, Charlie. Nothing more. Right?”

“R-Right…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope the contents of this chapter will provide further fuel for your shipper dreams ;) i know it's not quite the romantic first kiss scene some of you may have wanted, but i believe it's fitting. vox enters the fight and commence the shit to hit the fan. hope it was worth the wait! 
> 
> also, i don't really want to talk about the corona virus situation right now in full detail, i know it's horrible. i mean, it turned my golem ass life upside down, and i know some of you might read my fic or other fics in general as a sort of escape. all i want to say is please stay inside and stay safe!!! be mindful of yourselves and others, and take care <3


	11. Hellzapoppin

“Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean! Tomatoes would die of jealousy if they saw Charlie blush.”

“Right? I mean, she was practically red all over. I couldn’t believe she reacted like that over a little kiss.”

“In her defense, it’s not exactly the easiest thing to deal with, having _the_ radio demon make out with you out of nowhere. You did that on purpose to mess with her, didn’t you?”

“My dear Vaggie, I can’t believe you would insinuate something like that. Me, trying to fluster our princess? Perish the thought!”

“So you totally did.”

“I totally did, yes.”

“I’m filing this moment away in a secret folder in my brain for blackmail purposes.”

“I must admit… You’re not taking this the way I was expecting you to.”

“How were you expecting me to take it?”

“Well. With generous amounts of jealousy. Served alongside a direct confrontation with me, rife with Spanish curses.”

“Jealousy? Really. I’ll have you know, Alastor, I don’t get jealous for anyone, not even you. I trust and respect Charlie enough not to question her.”

“Ah. Alright then.”

“Are you… Disappointed?”

“Slightly. I greatly enjoy our fights. You just don’t curse me the way you used to anymore.”

“I’ll make sure to spring some creative swears on you when you least expect it. Gotta keep it entertaining or else you might start another genocide or whatever. Oh, there, the tinsel.”

“Where?”

“Right there, top shelf.”

“Oh… Do you… Want me to pick it up for you?”

“No, I got it.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“I said I— _oof!_ ”

“I told you so.”

“ _Carajo_. Stop snickering.”

“Does it really take you clambering on top of three shelves and subsequently knocking them over and falling on your face for you to just ask me to pick it up? You’re too sho—“

“Don’t say it, I swear to God.”

“…Vertically challenged. You’re too vertically challenged.”

“Just toss the damn tinsel in the cart and keep moving. We have other stuff to look for. Let’s see here… Eggnog. Where’s the eggnog?”

“Further up, I believe. Why are we even doing this? I could have easily—“

“Yes, asshole, we know you could have easily made everything from scratch with your all-powerful magic fuckery, but it’s just more fun this way, okay? It’s tradition! Charlie and I always do the Christmas party shopping.”

“Then why did you decide to bring _me_ along?”

“I… Wanted to spend more time with you, I guess.”

“Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Because, besides me, you spend the most time with my girlfriend? I want to get to know you better. Call me crazy, but maybe exposure therapy will help me understand what she sees in you.”

“And what, pray tell, does she see in me?”

“Some good beneath it all, I suppose. Ah, there, got it. Next up on the list is… The, uh, stockings.”

“Of course, why not make it _easier_ for Krampus to leave pieces of coal in the lobby.”

“Oh, shush already. For an overlord you can be such a whiny baby sometimes. Straighten the cart, you almost ran over my toe again.”

“But did you die?”

“You test my patience every damn second. Ok, stockings, stockings, stockings…”

“Charlie’s wrong, you know.”

“About what?”

“About there being some good in me, beneath it all.”

“Eh.”

“Don’t tell me you agree with her. You were the most adamant about kicking me out of the hotel!”

“Here’s the thing. I don’t agree with her, exactly.”

“Exactly…?”

“Yeah. I don’t think there’s ‘some good in you beneath it all’, or whatever, because I don’t believe there even is a ‘beneath it all’. I kind of just think your actions represent who you really are, and yours are pretty much ranging from harmlessly fucking with people to murder and cannibalism.”

“Well, that much we can agree on. I’m just bringing it up because—“

“I’m not done. I was gonna say, even though you’re an objectively horrible person, which is why you’re in Hell to begin with, you’ve been acting… Different, lately. And I’m woman enough to admit I appreciate that.”

“Different? I haven’t been acting any different.”

“You have, though.”

“Have not.”

“Have.”

“Different how?”

“You’ve been kinder. Everyone’s noticed. Ever since that night out with Charlie at your little friend’s club, and after Furfur’s stuffy high-lord party, you’ve been… Just, like, softer all-around.”

“Preposterous. I’m just as heinous and murderous as always! I tortured a bunch of sinners just yesterday!”

“Yeah, but—“

“I drank finger soup out of their skulls, Vaggie.”

“What the hell is finger soup? No, wait, scratch that, I don’t wanna know, you’re seriously messed up.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to remind you!”

“…But still not as much as you used to be. Here’s the stockings, look around for fruitcake. Are you even aware you haven’t threatened Angel Dust with dismemberment in at least a week?”

“A moment of weakness, on my part.”

“Moment of weakness, my ass. Just admit it, Charlie’s rubbing off on you.”

“She’s not, dear, don’t get your hopes up. Got the fruitcake.”

“But you like her, though.”

“Excuse me?”

“You like my girlfriend, don’t you?”

“I… like plenty of people.”

“But you do like her though.”

“Yes, but I also like Mimzy and Rosie, and Husker and Niffty, even Angel Dust when his mouth is shut. And I like you, too.”

“Really now? That’s news to me. What, pray tell, do you like about me?”

“Your… Eyepatch is cool.”

“Is that seriously the nicest thing you could come up with.”

“Also, your hair is lovely. And I’m pretty partial to the rest of you, too.”

“Pff, you’re so full of it.”

“Of charm and homicidal impulses, yes! Ah, found the fruitcake. But I’m still the same old unredeemable me. I like you well enough, but I’d sell your soul in exchange for some well-made _andouille_ in a second.”

“Uh huh. Okay. Whatever you say, softy.”

“Now you’re just making fun of me. Are you making fun of me?”

“Kinda, yea. Oh, oh, there’s the, uh, blankets.”

“What do we need blankets for?”

“Holiday cuddles.”

“Disgusting.”

“Hey, it’s Charlie’s idea. I wouldn’t cuddle with you if you looked like a 7 foot tall teddy bear.”

“You won’t hear me complaining in that regard.”

“Finally, something you won’t complain about.”

“I find it funny how docile you become around Charlie. You two are so smitten, it’s sickening.”

“Well, she’s the love of my life. If it took me coming to Hell a thousand times to meet her this once, it would have been worth it.”

“You’re both so obnoxiously positive and hopeful. And yet here you are, same as me.”

“Hey, I killed someone in self-defense! You killed people for shits-and-giggles!”

“And yet here I am, same as you.”

“You know what, just… Let’s just fucking check out. I think I had enough bonding time with you for one day.”

* * *

“Don’t ya think Alastor has been actin’ nicer than usual these days?”

“What?”

“Ya know what I mean. He hasn’t threatened me in a week. Today, I accidentally brushed past him when he left with Vaggie to do the Christmas party shoppin’ thing, and he didn’t even haul me against the wall with his creepy shadow tentacles.”

“I dunno, Angel, he’s been just as big an asshole to me as usual. He hasn’t skipped a day of hitting me over the head with his staff for no reason since I first joined this hotel.”

“Eh, maybe you’re just not important enough to warrant being nice to. Or, at the very least, being less of a dick to. Although… Eugh, call me crazy, but—“

“You’re crazy.”

“I haven’t even finished my sentence!”

“I got to know you enough this past month that I don’t _need you_ to finish it.”

“I was _gonna_ say… I can’t help thinking something’s been a lil’ off with him since we found out him and Charlie are datin’…”

“Kay. You’re crazy.”

“Now you’re just lookin’ for ways to piss me off, fish-boy.”

“I don’t have to look, it apparently comes naturally. But anyway, even if you’re right, what are you gonna do about it? I’ve been hiding around here every day trying to catch them doing _anything_ remotely scandalous, but they’re so painfully _boring_!”

“Heh, that’s kinda rich, coming from you.”

“…Touché. But I really don’t know what else I can do to help you bust their cheating asses. Alastor is even getting along with Vaggie lately, for crying out loud! Maybe we just misinterpreted this whole—“

“No, nuh-uh, no way. We’re in too deep to back down now, Baxter, ya can’t seriously doubt me now!”

“I’m not, I’m not… I’m just frustrated, is all. My hiding places aren’t exactly comfortable, and I haven’t had much time for my experiments, so…”

“Fuck your experiments. Can’t ya see this is all for the greater good? We’re doing redemption stuff over here!”

“Does stalking people qualify as redemption stuff?”

“’Course it does! The key is having a good excuse.”

“They should hire you to look for loopholes in the Bible.”

“Eh, being a prostitute pays well enough.”

“Right. On that note, I’m gonna go check on my venus flytrap. I’ll be back shortly.”

“Sure…”

“…”

“…”

“You’re stalking Charlie and Alastor?”

“JESUS—“

“Crymini, actually.”

“Fucking... Can I seriously not get any privacy in this shithole hotel?”

“Dude, you’re at a bar. If you’re expecting privacy I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Were ya… Eavesdropping?”

“No duh, man. Why are you stalking the princess and her walking pustule of an overlord?”

“ _Her_ overlord, huh?”

“Well, yeah. I call ‘em like I see ‘em.”

“At least I’m not the _only_ one who can fuckin’ see ‘em.”

“Take it from me, dude, they’re def boning. Fuck’s sake, I had to endure them drunk-cuddling for hours in that stupid limo.”

“Wait, what? Drunk-cuddling?”

“Yeah, apparently royal couples aren’t above benders. Who’d’ve thunk.”

“When have Charlie and Al ever gone on a bender? Oh my god. Oh my god it’s when we lost ‘em and hit that stupid bar. Fucking… _UGH_.”

“Woah dude, hakuna your tatas. You didn’t miss out on much, but it’s kinda creepy that you think you did. What’s with the stalking anyway? Are you _that_ bored?”

“It’s more complicated than that, dumbass. They’re… Charlie’s taken. She has a girlfriend. Y’know, Vaggie? Ya can’t miss ‘em, they’re together like, all the time.”

“Who’s Veggie?”

“Eyepatch.”

“Oh, her. Yeah, but like, she was totally expecting dicklord and the princess coming back to the hotel when I brought ‘em. Maybe she wasn’t expecting to see her girlfriend passed out, but still. She knew they went together.”

“She… She did?”

“Maybe they’re all in a weird threesome. Maybe this is a kink thing.”

“Get the fuck out of here, last I checked Vaggie can’t stand Al. Maybe she knew him and Charlie were going somewhere together, but she definitely doesn’t know they’re dating. I need to get my hands on concrete proof of them doing couple-stuff so she will believe me.”

“Well, since you’re being nosy, the least you could do is not completely suck at it, then.”

“Hey, if ya got anything, I’m open to suggestions, kid.”

“Why don’t you just… Arrange something?”

“Arrange… What?”

“Fuckin’ think, my dude. The Christmas party is tomorrow. Just plan something ahead, maybe think where Charlie and her mistake of a boyfriend could sneak off to for some… Alone time, if you get what I mean.”

“I know what ya mean.”

“I meant sexy-time.”

“I got that, Crymini.”

“Yeah, just think of that ahead of time, and make it so they _have_ to give you your proof.”

“But why would they _have_ to—Oh. _Oh_.”

“Haha, hell yeah.”

“Hell. Fuckin’. _Yes_.”

“ _Hell yeah_ , my guy.”

“Up high, my good bitch.”

“Nice one.”

"Fuck yeah it was a nice one."

"'An I oop."

"You... What?"

"Psh, you won't get it, boomer."

“I literally can't understand half the shit you're sayin' but... Ya sure ya don’t want in on this? You’re much better than my current minion.”

“Nah thanks, I wouldn’t want to interrupt you and your little boy-toy’s bonding time, man.”

“Boy-toy? Baxter?”

“Yep, that’s me. I’m back, what’s up?”

“Nothin’ much, man, I’m going up to graffiti the upper floor before the bug-lady wakes up. Smell ya later, dudes.”

“What did the kid say to you, man? I’ve never seen you so flustered.”

“N-Never mind that. Baxter, my mediocre partner-in-crime, we’ve got a plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an i oop vaggie and al are still getting along because i said so.
> 
> i know y'all can smell whats coming in the next chapter from a mile away. my sense of subtlety is akin to that of a russian tank. im a sucker for overused tropes, sue me 
> 
> anyways, daily reminder to stay inside and stay safe everyone! i always look forward to reading your comments and i hope you're still enjoying the story. see ya next week, peace out <3


	12. Tip-Toes

“Okay, okay, I call dibs on the cute violet sweater.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific, my dear. Is it the snowman one or the, uhm, strange, off-putting elf one?”

“Snowman, dude. You know you’re gonna have to pick one too, right?”

“Why? I still don’t understand why anyone would expose themselves to such blatant crimes against fashion.”

“Ugly sweaters are _necessary_ for any respected Christmas party, Alastor. Have you never been to one before? When you were, like, you know. Alive?”

“Not really. The Cajun balls weren’t exactly holiday-specific.”

“That was a sad sentence. I’m sad now.”

“They were fun, from what I can remember. Although even they couldn’t hold a candle to murder, I’ll say!”

“Weirdo… You still have to pick an ugly sweater, though. Charlie will get mad if you don’t.”

“Oh, fine. If you insist.”

“I do. A few years ago she made me wear a sweater that just said ‘HO’, so she could wear one that said ‘Where’s my ho at?’”

“Tragic.”

“For me, yeah. You got to skip the Christmas party for the past two years, the least you could do is partake in this torture session.”

“I already said fine. Here, I’ll wear this one. Does it make you happy, Vagatha?”

“Ah, what? Why are you rejecting the homicidal Rudolph sweater?”

“Say that sentence again, but slowly.”

“Smart-ass. Hey, can you go check on Angel Dust real quick?”

“Why would I do that?”

“He texted me and asked me to subtly send you his way.”

“You were indeed very subtle. As subtle as a Russian tank.”

“Lay off me and go to him already, fuck’s sake. His stare is so unintentionally creepy, my skin is beginning to crawl. And it’s not even because of the sweater this time.”

* * *

“Just—Just get him over here already, okay? I can’t keep stalling Charlie like this, at some point she’s gonna realize somebody’s responsible for how the liquor supply is seemingly endless.”

“Wha—Wait a damn minute, Baxter, how…”

“First off, that’s Big Boss Baracuda to you, _Shameless Spider Slut_.”

“I swear to god—“

“Please use the codenames we talked about.”

“Never gonna happen. What’s this about endless supply of liquor?”

“It’s not endless, per se.”

“And here I was gettin’ excited.”

“Every time she puts a bottle in the box, I sneak another back onto the shelf. I’ve been fooling her for the past three and a half minutes but I’m not sure she’s gonna buy it for much longer. Just get Al over here!”

“I’m trying! Since he’s pretty much the proud owner of a PHD in creepy stares, I thought he’d recognize one when he saw it, but he’s apparently pretty fuckin’ thick. And not in the good way.”

“D-Don’t be _creepy_ , dumbass! Just tell him to come on over!”

“No way, no fuckin’ way I’m gonna risk ruinin’ his nice-streak. He’s never been so civilized to me before, and I don’t want that to change anytime soon, for personal safety reasons.”

“Well _do something, for fuck’s sake_! I’ve been aggressively whispering in this barrel for too long already!”

“Fine! I’ll just, uh, text Vaggie? Yeah, I’ll just ask her to low-key send Al my way. She’ll know what to do, right?”

“Do whatever you think is best as long as it doesn’t involve me sitting here for more than 15 minutes. If I’m expected to continue working in these conditions I’m afraid I might go on strike.”

“Partners in crime can’t go on a strike, dumbass. Oh fuck, hold on, Al’s comin’ this way, I—”

“I can’t imagine why you’d ask for me if you were already engaged in conversation with someone else, Angel. Was there something you wanted?”

“A-Al! There’s my favorite murderous deer demon! Love ya sweater.”

“Yours is equally hideous. What’s it say… ‘When I think about you I touch my…’ My elf? My… Oh, lord.”

“Haha, yeah.”

“You have such a talent for making the most innocent things sounds absolutely abhorrent, my dear! I am both disgusted and in awe.”

“Ya know, I get that a lot. But hey, uh. You, ahem… You enjoyin’ the party?”

“It’s certainly… New. I’ve never attended such a shindig before. I’m starting to realize why. This is sort of boring, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is, but that’s what I called ya over for! I think we should spice things up a little, get this party poppin’.”

“If this is about drugs or orgies I’m going to fold your ugly sweater while you’re still in it, Angel.”

“N-No orgies! Definitely no orgies. Or, uh, drugs? Buuut… You didn’t mention anything about alcohol!”

“Wasn’t Charlie already about to fetch some from the cellar?”

“Well, yeah. But she ain’t really a drinker, is she? And she’s been down there a long fuckin’ time. Can ya just go check on her real quick, make sure she’s bringin’ the good stuff? And quickly? Preferably _before_ Christmas is over?”

“Why don’t _you_ just—“

“She’s more likely to listen to ya than me when it comes to alcohol! Ya really think she’d trust me with her secret stash?”

“Mm, can’t argue with her on that one. I wouldn’t trust you with my laundry.”

“Hey, I don’t take booze lightly. It’s serious business, I wouldn’t mess around about my alcohol. Hey… Speaking of, how’d Husk manage to sneak some in?”

“Oh, Husker? Why would you think he snuck in some liquor?”

“He’s literally writhing on the floor in his own drool.”

“Oh, that. I see what you mean.”

“Poor kitty. What did he dose himself with? Straight up moonshine? Rat poison?”

“Solid food and water, more like. His body’s spent so many years wrestling nutrients out of grain alcohol and aspirin, I expect it thinks it’s been poisoned.”

“As am I being poisoned. By _boredom_ , Al. Can’t believe I gotta _convince ya_ to make things more interesting around here.”

“I’m on it, dear.”

“…”

“Baxter?”

“Big Boss Baracuda.”

“Bite my entire ass. He’s on his way. Operation ‘Cheat the Cheaters’ is a go.”

“…Just so you know, that probably sounded a lot cooler in your head.”

“At least my lines sound cool _anywhere_.”

“I—“

“Focus, fish-lips.”

“R-Right…”

* * *

"Charlie? Are you still down here?"

"Yeah, hang on—oh no—shit!"

"Oh. Hello."

"Hi. Love your sweater."

"Thank you! You appear to have fallen down.”

"Yes, I—I noticed. Did anything break?"

"No, it all looks fine."

"Do me a favor and grab that crate, will you? I'll get the other. This should be enough for—what is it?"

"Nothing, just looking around. So this is Lucifer's liquor stash, hm? It's...expansive."

"Yeah, well, turns out running an evil empire in a pit full of assholes results in a whole lot of liquid coping."

"Not surprising. I'm actually kind of amazed this survived so many turf wars."

"It's all obsidian reinforced paneling. Which tells you a lot about where dad's priorities lay."

"Also not surprising. Since when do you drink, anyway, _chérie_?”

“Since I decided sobriety is only bearable if interrupted by intermittent bouts of blacking out.”

“Come on, we've been waiting for you upstairs at the party. Angel Dust finally sent me down on a rescue mission."

“For the alcohol, I'm sure, not me. Don't let him think I haven't noticed just how much he’s been spiking the eggnog.”

“In all fairness, you haven’t tried to stop him.”

“I’ve learned to pick my battles.”

“How cute. I just pick all of them.”

“Which is the exact reason everyone and their mother hates you, Al.”

“Speaking of people who hate me, are you ready to head back to the party now?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming—oh.”

“What’s wrong, _chérie_?”

“The, uh. There’s a…”

“…I see. Mistletoe. How charmingly juvenile.”

“Ah, yeah, it’s, um. Real childish, huh?”

“I could never even pretend to understand all these needless customs. Who even came up with the mistletoe thing? Whoever decided the people caught under it have to kiss? They don’t _have_ to do anything.”

“Yeah, but—“

“Now, if the mistletoe were to _shoot_ the people under it. That would be both more efficient and amusing, wouldn’t you say?”

“N-No! No, I wouldn’t, shooting people isn’t what I consider amusing.”

“Well then, if not at the threat of a prompt shooting, why the hell would anyone kiss? Just because?”

"I don't know, for—for fun! Tradition. Holiday spirit and whatnot."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Are you ready to go now?”

"Sure. Sure, we can just go, we don't have to—"

"No, we _really_ don't have to. I've been through enough of _that_ for one afterlife."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you’re a bad kisser, Charlie."

"That—that's entirely untrue! I'm a _great_ kisser."

"Experience says otherwise."

"That's because you took me by surprise! A little heads-up before you start _mauling me_ with your mouth might be nice for a change."

"Mauling? This from the lady with a tongue that rivals a long-dead fish?"

"My tongue works just fine under normal circumstances. Better than fine. I could—I could make your toes curl, that's how fine it is."

"My toes curl? _Chérie_ , have you been reading romance novels again?"

"I—that—it doesn't matter!"

"You're right, your incredibly embarrassing taste in literature is your own affair."

"Look, forget it. Let's just get back upstairs and—what?"

"Running away?"

"Sorry?"

"I heard some big talk without a lot of action behind it, Charlie."

"Al—you don't mean—"

"To be quite honest with you, I don't really know what I mean. Well? What’ll it be?"

"You're seriously—you're _daring me_ to kiss you?"

"What's the matter, _chérie_? Worried you can't prove me wrong?"

"No, I—I definitely can. I absolutely can. Okay—yeah. Sure. Okay."

"...Charlie—"

"A-Al—"

"Stop talking…"

"Sh-shutting up—"

* * *

“Al? Charlie? Did ya guys get lost? Oh, hey, there ya are."

"Angel, great, you can help Charlie with this one. I'm heading up."

"And—bye, Al? Weird. Blondie, did ya find everything okay?"

"I—uh—it's—"

"Man, you are red as a _beet_. It can't be _that_ heavy."

"Let's just—just get out of this stairwell as fast as demonly possible."

"Sure, we're about to start charades upstairs. Ya don't mind partnering with Al, right? Everyone else already paired off."

"Wh-what?"

"Great! Ya go on ahead, I’ll be right there."

“…”

“…Is she gone?”

“Yeah. Did ya get it, Baxter?”

“Y-Yes. They almost didn’t do it, I was so confused, b-but… Sweet science, I did it! We did it, Angel!”

“Show me!”

“Here, see? You can definitely see they’re kissing, it’s all clear. You can give Vaggie this, alongside the other photos we took of the two of them holding hands and shit like that, and that should be enough, huh?”

“Fuck yeah it is! Ya… Ya did a good job, Baxter. Really. I, uh, appreciate all ya help.”

“Heh, it’s no big deal, really… I just… Displaced some vertebras hiding in that barrel, piece of cake.”

“Aw, shucks, ya went through all that for me?”

“I, uh—“

“Pfff, wow. I guess fish can blush, as well. What a nice shade of purple.”

“A-Angie, I…”

“C’mon, partner, enough lollygaggin’. We’ve got a couple to snitch on!”

“Wait. What? You’re gonna tell her right now? In the middle of the party?”

“…Fair point. But! The least we can do is have some fun for a change! Take my hand, nerd, I’ll teach you how to party like a fuckin’ porn star!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> al and charlie slowly becoming mistlefoes....... angel and baxter partying together...... what could go wrong.
> 
> shit will be hitting the proverbial fan in this story soon enough, darlings, but it's more important for you to receive the weekly reminder to take care of yourselves and stay safe! i hope you and your loved ones are all doing alright! <3


End file.
